Current mood

There are times that I want to pull my wiring out so I can’t turn on. Now is one of those times and tomorrow is a day I would prefer to spend plugged into the Matrix, chowing down on tender, delicious, juicy steak.

Now it was last Tuesday evening that I received the news by electronic raven (dark wings, dark words) that he’s been seeing someone else and that’s really the only background info that’s necessary. I initially felt like the world had ended (This time, for ceetain) followed by self deprication. Then I got mad, then numb and I’ve caved and allowed my great talent for depression to weave its magic, binding my brittle emotions into one largely miserable one. Any other emotions are just tiny crumbs that shed off as the ball rolls around inside my body.

 I had a stomach bug all weekend, the compact emotions have made me HIGHLY sensitive to constructive feedback at work and if you were to ask how I’m feeling right now I’d tell you to please put my responsibilities on freeze (as if they were a gym membership) and allow me time to recover. Not that you ever really recover from that kind of deep loss but scars do beat open wounds in these cases.

15 thoughts on “Current mood

  1. Lol, too funny, I was thinking the same thing just before, and then I saw this, well, that just cracked me up laughing. I love this 🙂 God Bless xxx

  2. My mood can be like the weather. If you don’t like it now, just wait a while and it will change. You know it all goes in a cycle. It too bad we can’t just tell ourselves to snap out of it.

  3. I know that feeling so well. I ended a four year relationship and I’m still terrified of running into him and how that will make me feel. I also know it’s like for people to just tell you be happy or stay positive. Feel better!

  4. I was in a toxic relationship for years. Someone I thought was my end all. I never thought I would have a life without him. When it ended I didn’t believe it was really over, in my mind I just knew it would start back up again, just like it always had. I’d caught him cheating and forgiven him. I believed him when he said he wouldn’t do it again. He was always so jealous, of course he was he didn’t believe I wouldn’t do the things to him that he did to me. When it was finally over my life carried on. It got better. I stopped looking over my shoulder. I finally stopped being afraid that things would fall apart. I was happier. Did my bipolar stop, no. But I will say that the cycles were not as often. He was a huge catalyst.
    Be strong, for you. You are worth more. You really are. You are so strong. Look at what you have done. Don’t let this interfere with work. You’ve worked hard to get where you are. If you need to break down as soon as work is over, then break down. But you have to put it on hold as if it were a gym membership while you are at work. Work is your refuge. See it as your little island where nothing in the outside world can hurt you.
    I know what it’s like when people tell you to just be happy. It doesn’t work that way.
    I had someone say it yesterday. That they refused to be depressed again, that you can choose it. Well then they weren’t clinically depressed! umph!
    Do anything you can that will take your mind off of your situation. Stay busy. That’s the best thing you can do for you. Try to keep so busy you don’t have time to think too much right now.
    Remember people care. I care. and I’m here if you need to talk.
    much love. xo

    • Wendy you are so insightful. You’re incredibly right and it’s odd to think that I am worth more and to FEEL that I am…but I am feeling that in short blips. I’m trying to find refuge in all the shade I pass by during the day. Anytime there’s a moment in which I have the opportunity to get busy doing ANYTHING, I’ll take it. Accomplishing ANYTHING reminds me I’m worth SOMETHING and right now I’m marathon mind and compulsively doing about 100 things at the same time, some of which are not necessary to survival at all but the compulsion to do them is overwhelming. I got your e-mail but haven’t read it yet because obviously I got anxious, haha. I will and am patting myself on the back for writing you back here at least. Man, I don’t know how you put up with me but I surly am wholeheartedly grateful for your friendship! I have some happy stories from the weekend to tell you to when I can focus! I’m literally having to re-read what I’ve just written to remember if I’ve said what I wanted to say or not. It’s one of those weeks so far. :c

      • Darling, don’t be afraid of the email, I didn’t write much. I wrote much more here actually. Since you were ready to tell the whole world here I thought it was okay to say a little more. But the email basically says, I’m here.
        Putting up with you is easy. You don’t ask for anything. You care without expecting anything in return. I’m honored. Anyone you give your love to should honor it. Remember that.
        I will say, you sound much healthier this time than you have other times he has hurt you.
        You have accomplished so much. Yes you are worth something. You can be proud of you. I’m proud of you.
        Also remember, you are grieving. It’s okay to be a jumble of emotions. It’s not easy to have this loss. People don’t think about how you must grieve a lost relationship just as you must any major loss.
        I’m still here.
        Looking forward to hearing about anything you want to share!
        love

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