Take 2 Emotional Asprin and Call me in the Morning

I started practicing writing in Morse code in my paper diaries so that I could vent what I needed to but not have to trigger bad memories if I ever flipped back through the journals. But today, the pen feels like it’s a thousand pounds. I’m emotionally drunk and tonight’s poison is despair.

More than anything recently I’ve been dealing with massive amounts of anxiety. I thought it’d be a great idea to find some guided meditations on YouTube to lay down and listen to and the plan was to find at least 2 or 3 that I could share on the blog here. Results: I found nothing! Nothing that works for me anyways. The closest I got to finding something that I felt was worth listening through to the end/going back to was an amateur who could not keep pace when she was reading the meditation. There are some real calming voices out there, but missing the right words and some lovely oceanic sounds, but without the words to hold my hand I just get bored with and start cluttering  my mind with thoughts again.

I remember from about 6 years ago when I was in therapy there was this one meditation that my therapist read for me ONCE that I remember to this day. It was fabulous. It was about imagining myself as a leaf floating down a river. Once in a great while I’ll admit I try it out again just kind of winging it. As long as it works right? But then eventually I lose concentration. I’d probably be the worst Jedi ever.

Last week I put my resignation in and now I have one week left with the agency I’m at. I was hired at a higher quality, better paying job which I’m pretty qualified for, which’ll send me in the right direction in my career. It’s a big deal. I’m thrilled for it but nervous. My job I currently have a week left at I’m stressing tremendously from. The administration hasn’t been that great about it, but I just need to keep counting the days.

My health is poor, and the first opportunity I have to get things REALLY straightened out is a month away. Also, my relationship I’d say has been going the best it has been for years until a couple weeks ago when my boyfriend REALLY got down about his shitty life, and when he’s REALLY down he puts the verbal bullets right through every kill zone in me. The shots fired today of course, which has me in a coma where I haven’t said a word to anyone in the past six hours.

Since I couldn’t pick up the pen and vomit it all out, I figured I could flitter my fingers for a while. My biggest recommendation for anyone in a similar situation is to stay distracted. Right now I’m blogging, watching Netflix, and moving everything from one notebook to the other which is a nervous obsessive compulsive behavior that I just let happen because it gives me something to do at least.

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Sleep is really easy and unhealthy to do for 70% of your day off, but it’s also the best way to keep your mind off of things. So don’t sleep all day alright? Only I can do that.

27 thoughts on “Take 2 Emotional Asprin and Call me in the Morning

  1. For meditations on YouTube, try Jason Stephenson. He has a rather large collection of meditations, but there a few with “magic book” in the title. These ones he takes you on a calming journey and speaks all the way through.

  2. Hi, I just read your post about calming your mind. I have copied my thoughts on that below from a post I wrote the other day. The main point I picked up from you was how hard you are working to visualise and relax. You can’t use that busy mind of yours so hard and be relaxed, the two are mutually exclusive. Stop thinking and if you can’t do that, stop paying attention to the fact you are thinking. Don’t chase the thoughts.
    Where work is concerned, you have the new job, you need to be calm and focused when you start so you need to relax, enjoy your last few days and move on with a smile. It goes against the grain for people that worry and look for perfection but what I am about to say is both true and works. It allows you to look after yourself. If you were run over by a bus tomorrow your colleagues would be sad, shocked or indifferent, but by the end of the day they would have reprioritised and redistributed your work and professionally moved on. The second you gave in your notice you were metaphorically run over by that professional bus. You are gone already. What is on your desk is not your problem. Do what you can according to your conscience without stressing yourself . It is not your problem. They will deal with what is left just as if you had walked out or just never showed up again. None of it matters unless somebody’s actual life depends on it. So basically be kind to yourself and think, fuck it, this isn’t my problem anymore, because it isn’t your problem. Let it go and focus on the excitement of your new future.
    Mediation blog below. Hope some of this stuff helps, it has helped me:

    I just read a bloody hilarious post on Musings of a mad woman’s blog about meditation and real life. Thank you for that, I put the dog picture in especially for you. It is always lovely when somebody puts a smile on your face.

    Here is my take on meditation for people with Bipolar, less puking dogs and psychotic cats.

    I find bipolar brain makes meditation and sleep equally as problematic. To be honest I seldom even try to meditate but I do sometimes try to sleep, I take the same approach to both.

    Forget the religious connotations of this unless you happen to be religious, in which case enjoy! This is what I do:

    I put on a recording of the full Angus Dei mass or traditional voice only Gregorian chant. I get comfortable and just listen, I don’t concentrate on my breathing or anything else, I just let whatever comes wash over me. If the dog or anything else makes a noise I just recognise it and let it go if it’s not important. If thoughts come I also just view them and let them go.

    Meditation just means empty mind. If you have the amount of crap in your head that flies around mine, it will take a while for things to slow down and float away. Anything which lets you shed your thought is good, some people listen to their breathing, some visualise enjoying the sun, floating around in a pool etc. Personally I just don’t concentrate, if something drags my attention to it I just acknowledge it and let go, sometimes that is easy, other times I use a visualisation that suits me at the time. Quite often I put the thoughts in paper boats and float them down a rain filled gutter until they wash down a drain. Thought gone, problem solved.

    I use ancient religious music because I was educated in a monastery. Choral music used to lull me to sleep or into a vacant state of mind daily in the monastery church, so it helps to empty my mind now. If I can’t actually settle I don’t lose because the music is awe inspiringly beautiful. Having said that I can also use Joe Cocker, Van Morrison, John Martyn, any artist’s music I love and know well enough that the rhythms are firmly embedded in my psyche. I suspect if I was in to Motörhead, as long as it was ingrained in me it would work.

    If you are like me, you won’t be after contemplation and enlightenment. You will just be after some peace and quiet which allows you to rest your mind.

  3. Shoot – I was seriously in the process of doing just that. Congratulations on your new job – I know it’s difficult (especially when you’re not your best self) but keep moving forward and take it one day at a time and you’ll make it through. And write through the process, we want to know how you are doing through the change.

    Hang in there – I’m still in bed and powerless to stop it. I HAVE to get up – my kids are out there binging on potato chips and candy – but I just can’t overcome these awful feelings. It’s like my brain is just screaming at me about everything hateful and I can’t stop listening.

    Oh shoot, sorry – this is your comments section, not my front-and-center blog post.

    I guess I just feel more comfortable sharing here than out there right now.

    Peace and love and all that hippie shit.

    • Thank you lonlon 🙂 This week was the first week after all the training that I’ve gotten in there by myself and started doing therapy. It’s scary but also wonderful and probably the best thing I have going for me right now. I’m beating the hell out of a brand new depression. It loves to reinvent itself. You’re totally always welcome to share anything you want regardless of it being my comment section or my e-mail 😉 We’re family! WordPress family…it counts.

    • You’re always welcome front and center!!! Hippie shit includes taking naps, may you get one in that’s restful today 😛 I know that you have to get up, I do too. I’ve been up since 5 and fell asleep at 1. I have work today and have to leave in about 20 minutes and I really really really really really do not want to.

  4. First, thanks so much for liking my post and scratchboard piece, “The Web of Depression.” Second, I love your blog and really identify with you. Third, I love the cartoons. And fourth, congratulations on your new job.

    • Thank you for all of those thoughts. I’ve been absent for a while battling the depression beast, but am making a huuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuge effort this morning at the very least to catch up on my blog reading and comment replying before work today.

  5. First…nothing wrong with sleeping all day sometimes, sounds like you are a bit emotionally and physically exhausted. Self care my dear…sleep if you need. I wish I could right now.
    I’m glad you are changing jobs. You must be holding you self together fairly well if you could interview and get a better job! Pat yourself on the back.
    When someone in your life is throwing darts because of their shit, don’t let it stick. When things calm down with him he’ll probably regret the things he has said.
    I did it to hubby last night, and I feel horrible.
    Anxiety, I can really relate.
    You know the secret I told you about the seizures, only other person who knows is my husband. Well, looks like it’s true. My mind is saying enough! And Fuck you! Psycogenic non-epileptic seizures. If you want to know more about it, since you are into psycology.
    xo my dear.

    • I will totally listen to you for more of the inside scoop, and I’m always honored when you share secrets. Of course it all blew over with him, but don’t you love when you feel like “This is it…this is the end” of ANYTHING that really worries you and makes you catastrophize!??!

  6. You seem to have so much going on in your life at the moment that it’s no wonder that you’re feeling the way you do. I really hope that things start getting better soon! Chin up hun and remember there are always people on here that are always willing to help and support you when they can.

  7. I wonder what a shrink would say about sleeping for 14 hours straight? Not that I do any more, I’m down to a healthy 12 hours…haha. Really though, sometimes I just want to zone out and ZZZzzz…but it sucks when it’s crunch time again and I’m looking around and 3 days have passed. SUCKS. I have nothing to show for it but a handful of night terrors and a foggy head. guh.

    Totally off-topic, but how are you on self-sabotaging? Do you do what I do and find yourself procrastinating to the point of damnation? See, I was doing so well. Midterm, and still have 4 A’s and 1 B. I’m a bit obsessive in the grade department, understandably. We have to be at our levels, eh? So, out of the blue last week, I failed to submit my poster presentation (senior seminar) and one of my Statistics assignments by my deadline. Three days later- still no submission! This is a first. And I’m thinking it’s self-sabotage. I don’t know what else to think. Just wondering if you’ve ever done that.

    Anywho, I totally get you on the multi-tasking (with Netflix) thing…haa. As for me, I’m hobbling my weak ass back over to the couch to watch my crime shows. Congratz to you on the new job, that’s terrific! x

    • I want to sleep so bad right now that I’m keeping myself awake of course 😛 I’m dogsitting and it’s lovely to have a place where I can enjoy the peace and quiet but I’m also like ullchh because all I want to do is sleep all week while I’m here and I have work tomorrow pretty much all day.

      I have 100% done that, but not in a while, mostly because I’m not in any classes right now…but I know that after I finish up data collection (probably give it another week) for my Capstone I really can’t screw myself over, and I know it’s possible I might because I’ve done it especially in high stress situations where I know better but I freak out internally and it gets projected as self-sabotage.

      I’ll blog about new job land soon! Your behind the scenes info on it right now is that all 3 of my clients had nasty colds and I did my best to prevent it but I’m suffering with a horrible cold right now and my nose is raw 🙂

  8. Hey BB, are you going to be able to graduate? Tomorrow is my LAST DAY- woohoo! I made it. Guh…I’m exhausted. I was able to walk away with 4 A’s and 1 B and will be graduating with honours…unbelievable.

    I’ll check back soon. if you’re graduating also, then a very big congratz to you! If not (yet) then hang in there because you’re almost done. x

    • I am so freaking proud of you. My adviser has screwed me over and was on a teacher strike thing when he should have kept our appointment or at least told me about it so I didn’t stand by his office like an idiot for an hour when I don’t ever even come to school for anything else because I just have to finish my capstone…and so he e-mailed me yesterday saying we should meet up and do this crap and of course graduation is may 9th here and there’s no way I’ll be able to.

  9. Pingback: The Blogger Recognition Award – A Thought, A Word and An Eternal Bliss!

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