Accumulation of Frustration, Fear and Anxiety

I realized something while my mind was hosting a tea party with its mind teddy bears. When I came back to school from the year I missed to Lyme Disease, I was placed in an alternate school program four hours a day alongside taking my high school chemistry class on campus. I was 17 at the time. I was a hard worker regardless of my classroom and it frustrated me in this alternative program I was “stuck” with a bunch of delinquents who did as little work as possible in order to earn their high school diplomas. Of course bad behavior wasn’t the only reason people were in there, but the room was a challenge and the program a joke. In my opinion at least. There were ancient Apple computers running green screen programs that my peers would hold down the enter key to get to the quiz at the end in a matter of seconds and press random answers until they selected the correct answer and completed the assignment for the day. I remember sitting there with pen in hand taking meticulous notes on physics so I could honestly take the test and learn the material. It irritated me to no end that guys in the class would sit with the female “teacher” (and I use that term VERY loosely) and chat so they didn’t have to work. The male teacher gave slightly more attention to making sure the students were completing their work, but not by a landslide. The two were more friendly businessmen than instructors. Aka they were pretty lazy at their jobs. Now here’s where the point comes in.

My co-workers at my job are just as incompetent in an environment in which the clients and the state rely on us to assist in the development of daily living and work skills for an equally challenging population. It’s just a perfect example as to why it’s important I continue my education and work as hard as I can in the social services field, because the other guys are not. Chit chatting with high functioning clients and sitting on your phone’s while leaving low functioning clients to stare at whatever was plopped on the tables are just unacceptable behaviors. Thanks for letting me get that out of my system.

Aside from my work frustrations my anxiety is boiling quietly in the home stretch to improve my research paper into its final form by April 30th. My fear of failure is hosting its own tea party. In order to project my stress I’ve been engrossed in a MMORPG and making impulsive purchases with impending regrets. I’m mindful enough at least to remind myself to stay mindful.

It’s one of those periods where I’m taking it one MINUTE at a time. I am hypersensitive emotionally and physically right now to the NNNth degree.

10 thoughts on “Accumulation of Frustration, Fear and Anxiety

  1. All things considered, you should be damn proud of yourself for hanging in there. 😉 You’re a trooper! And as I’ve said before, you’re really doing it. That’s HUGE. I remember when all of my “setbacks” (picks a card! Any card!) forced me to drop out of school years ago. I just couldn’t do it at the time. Thank God for psychology, eh? The remedy is the poison, heheh… what we discover about ourselves can sure seem harmful- at first. But much like exposure and response prevention (ERP) therapy (which I’ve only recently learned is a branch of CBT) – the more we’re exposed to what causes our anxieties, the more we spike up the chart- but over time- if you stick it out and work through those fears- they begin to mean less and we do begin to fear them less. (Somebody’s been watching “Obsessed” again…heheh. Love that show!) Damn. All of this psychology is ruining me. I’m really starting to think/act/look/feel and BE like a psychologist. (And you too, I’ve noticed…heheh. We’re seriously married to this crap.)

    I think also though, because we’re in the pressure cookers with our upcoming term papers (I feel ya, sister!)- that causes a bit more anxiety than usual. You got this, though- in the bag. Totally. By the way, I was thinking of you earlier and was hoping you’d write soon! I’m so glad you’re pushing through and sticking with your studies. When people have a semi-hard time and make it through, others are impressed. It’s “cool and everything”, etc. But when people see somebody like you- who’s had to battle all the way uphill- it’a a huge inspiration to others. You inspire a lot of people!

    Keep at it. ;0) By the way, I’m thinking I only have 8 courses to go after this semester and I’ll have my B.S. in psych. I’m seriously thinking about getting another bachelor’s in Social Work while working on my Master’s in Forensic Psychology, and then after that, working on a dual Master’s in Social Work while preparing for my PhD in Clinical. (It’s not a sure thing, but I’m considering it.)

    Anyway, hang in there! The semester’ll be over before you know it. ;0)

    • I need to look into this ERP therapy ASAP because I’ve never heard of it aside from you. I agree we ARE married to this crap, and I enjoy taking the rollercoaster ride with you 😛 Seriously, I’d be sad if we lost touch. I’m totally going clinical! Forensic Psych though was an alternative path, and who knows I’m not registered in a master’s program yet, I just now have time to think about it with the last class out of the way!!! I’ve been thinking about you too on and off! Of course because you’re awesome and I need to catch up with what’s up with you. I care from down here in Chicago. I really do 🙂

      • Thanks so much for your warm wishes, care, and all that love from Chicago! God knows I’ve been needing lately in this crushing post-split depression (and that’s where the junk food/candy coma come in). I know I need to feel these icky breakup emotions but I’ve chosen to stuff then down into the bottomless pit within me using Dum Dum Suckers as the utensils. You’d be surprised at just how many Dum Dum suckers one can eat in a day! 😉

        But on a serious note, yes, definitely check out ERP therapy. It’s fascinating stuff and I’m convinced that PTSD can be treated using this technique as well. Check into that texhnique0 it’s an eye opener and a life changer. It has a pretty high success rate also.

      • I’m going to have to check on you to see how many Dum Dum’s you’ve been sucking down! I’ve yet to check out ERP. I need to write it down NOW on a list, or I’ll forget. I feel like my life is the movie Memento often enough.

      • Well I scratched the Dum Dum’s because they were making me nauseous daily. I’ve cut sugar entirely out of my diet (except for my morning coffee, etc.) Off and running! My ride’s here. Chat soon. ;0)

  2. Incompetence and a lack of accountability are pervasive in many fields, not just education. Isn’t it a travesty that those who need the most help get the worst quality instruction? It is like that in “regular “school too. Poor kids in Englewood have teachers who are barely qualified and so beaten down that they give the kids busy work and wait for the day to end.

    I commend you for hanging in there. You are so strong. This has not been an easy year for you and you have marshalled your coping skills and have almost made your way through to the end. When you are done, I hope that you can reflect on this and gain strength from your perseverance.

    As for work, you can only change yourself, worry about yourself. Be the best you can be. Maybe you can affect change as a manager of one of theses facilities in the future.

    Hang in there kid. I am so proud of you!

    • My fear of failure and anxiety is hosting it’s own tea party. What a great analogy. I just keep reminding myself to keep going, keep trying and I will come out the other side. For this is all we can do. We can either succumb and join the tea party, or keep trying our best and let the chips fall where they may. At least that’s what I keep telling myself.

      I realize it’s getting down to the wire with school. Any updates? Let us know when you get a chance.

    • I give my students busy work and wait for the day to end too…but in a different frame of mind. I don’t ever want them to be sitting there doing nothing, and a lot of the time I don’t have enough arms and mouths to keep up with everyone at the same time which stresses me out, therefore making me want the day to end as quickly as possible so I can breathe. But I do enjoy it. I will remember that tomorrow when I face work again that I only need to worry about yself and be the best I can be. I always try to be the best I can be. I have news about moving up…but I need to take that on another day to tell you about. ❤

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