A Whole Bunch of Really Crunchy Thoughts

My to-do list is like decomposing matter. Something that’s new on the list only just begins to decompose, while something that’s been on the list for a week is in a much later state of decomposition. Now imagine all of this matter neatly organized into a basket and left in your stomach. The stomach acids only add to the deconstruction of the matter and because the materials don’t agree, this poisonous gas and slimey ooze starts to fill up the cavity it’s in. When there’s nowhere else for it to go, it crawls through the rest of your body and makes you sick. The pain swelling inside of you makes it even harder to face your to-do list and finally you’re so sick that you want to cry. That’s pretty much been my situation the past couple of weeks. Tonight I can feel the noxious gasses stuck inside of me and trying to push their way out if it kills me.

On a positive note, getting a blog post out of the way will be a good removal of one of the old to-do list items, which should clear up some of the gunk in my system.

I’ve been depressed. I’m working myself to the max in school and at work to do the best job I can do. At work I now have the complication of being treated like crap, because of the whole reporting mistreatment incident. That gives me anxiety while I’m there that I brush off the best I can, but it effects me. Taking care of people for a living effects me too. Every day I go out there, mask my depression or irritation and make sure I’m tending to everyone in the classroom and encouraging them to challenge themselves whilst helping them face those challenges and praising their good work. I sat with one of our clients whose two decades older than I am on Friday and helped him get through word problems on a math sheet. I was SO PROUD of him and he was so proud of himself. It feels good, that’s what gets you through the day, making a difference. A lot of our clients call me mommy. Most all of them are considerably older than me. I feel like Wendy to the Lost Boys some days. But everybody needs a mother.

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After work, if there’s school I need to mask my mood further to interact with my peers, particularly the ones on my research team. Then I go home, and do a few things to help out (laundry, garbage, putting non perishable groceries that have been sitting out away, etc.). Finally by the time I’m showered and in bed I just want to cuddle up with my stuffed Pusheen, play a few casual games on my tablet, and knock out. I probably won’t even get 8 hours of sleep. I’ll remind myself that I’m getting a B in my class, and for how hard I’m working, it breaks my heart and makes me want to hibernate forever. So does the fact that I have no time or energy to go to the gym and shed some pounds. My relationship though is going really amazingly at the moment, and I’m terrified to say that and jinx it, but that’s one of the few happy thoughts that helps me fly.

There are other tender situations. The other night I was already in bed when I heard my dad and sister get home. He had brought her home from school and my mom got up to help make her dinner. I heard their soft voices in the kitchen, everyone calm. We’re a family who takes care of each other. My parents are getting older, and they still baby my Asperger’s sister, which is fine I suppose, but what’s going to happen when they can’t do it anymore? (i.e. when they pass away). Already there’s two things that make me want to throw up at this thought.

First, I can’t deal with the idea of my parents dying. I don’t deal well with change. I don’t even deal well with having an abnormal schedule. I’m not as bad as the clients we have at work who will completely become hulk versions of themselves, but I crumble easy. Even the loss of one of my parents. God. It makes me sick to think about. And when they do pass who will take care of my sister? She literally does not know how to function as an adult in the world. I don’t even know what kind of job she could get. Will it fall to me to support her? Will she let me? She’s insistent she’s normal and can do x, y and z but I don’t think it’s hit her yet that life is going to be a lot harder when she doesn’t have that overflow of support and help to sail through it.

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Fear. Fear is getting to me. I’m having obsessions about these sorts of things on a daily basis. Getting a medication change might help a little. I haven’t had my medicine adjusted in over a year. I need a new doctor though. My GP can keep the refills coming, but can’t adjust any milligrams. Therapy would help too. But can I afford that? Can I afford the TIME even? I need to do something though to assist my mental health, because though I’m functioning well enough, I’m a wreck on the inside and it’s wasting precious seconds, minutes, hours, days, weeks and MONTHS of my life. And for what?

I began reading a book called Hyperbole and a Half by Allie Brosh. There are some serious laugh out loud moments, and also some very real passages about what it’s like to deal with depression. I’m not finished with it, but I recommend what I’ve so far read of it. Sometimes I get real angry that I didn’t write a charming and funny book about my life yet and get jealous someone else did, but this one I enjoy without the resentment.

On page 132, there was a particular passage that struck home, and I thought I’d share it with you.

“And that’s the most frustrating thing about depression. It isn’t always something you can fight back against with hope. It isn’t even something–it’s nothing. And you can’t combat nothing. You can’t fill it up. You can’t cover it. It’s just there, pulling the meaning out of everything. That being the case, all the hopeful, proactive solutions start to sound completely insane in contrast to the scope of the problem.

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It would be like having a bunch of dead fish, but no one around you will acknowledge that the fish are dead. Instead, they offer to help you look for the fish or try to help you figure out why they disappeared.

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The problem might not even HAVE a solution. But you aren’t necessarily looking for solutions. You’re maybe just looking for someone to say ‘Sorry about how dead your fish are,’ or ‘Wow, those are super dead. I still like you, though.’”

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In conclusion, I’m struggling right now. And to all of you out there who are reading this and struggling too, I’m sorry about how dead your fish are.

31 thoughts on “A Whole Bunch of Really Crunchy Thoughts

  1. It’s ok, my fish are dead but I’m more sorry about yours and yes you’re still cool. And remember happiness is not the lack of dead fish in your life, it’s being able to smile despite those dead fish…

  2. Wow. You give me so much hope for when I’m an actual psychologist and working with broken people! heheh…you know I’m kidding. ;-0) Well, I said it before, all of this crap is making you a better writer, so there’s THAT, right?

    Also, in one more academic year, I’ll be ready (99%) to start my Master’s in Clinical. And- wait for it! I’m probably going to double major in Forensic Psych. HELL YEAH. So, it’ll be a race between us. ;0)

    On the flip side of things, I think you’re handling your stress waaay better than you used to. It’s obvious. Kudos. xo

  3. I’m sorry you’re struggling, you did an amazing job explaining how you are feeling. I could relate. I’ve struggled with depression, not your Bipolar depression but depression along side with my OCD. I’m lucky to have found a good balance of meds for the depression but my OCD still controls me and gives me irrational fears. I was shocked when you wrote about loosing parents because that is such a huge fear of mine I can’t even think about it. I think it’s amazing how you can still go and help others when you’re struggling so much. I’d say stay strong but you shouldn’t have to….but sometimes that’s the only thing that can be done. Sending good vibes to you!

    • If you ever need to vent about your irrational fears I am the #1 person aside from your therapist to help you with that, haha! Thank you for sharing with me. And for the positive words and vibes. I very much appreciate them. 🙂

  4. Hi there barbie Q ! I have nominated you for the Very Inspiring Blogger Award ! You can see the details at my post here http://gentlementalannie.com/2015/03/05/very-inspiring-blogger-award/
    This award as much work as some of them, or maybe the bloggers are altering them because the questions were too much.
    Anyway, all you have to do is list about 10 things about yourself. Then choose 7-10 other blogs that are inspiring to give the award to. The badge is on my post. You can copy and paste
    Hugs
    Annie

  5. I enjoyed your blog and the pictures. I’m bipolar but I’m depressed most of the time. I have no problems in my life and I should be happy. I just want to go to bed and stay there forever. I don’t like peope but I love chidren and have lots of grands. I have three sisters and a mom who are too Christian. I’m a Christian but I don’t make a big thing of it. I have tried suicide seven times. I can’t even do that right.

  6. Hey turkey. I’m just checking in on you. Life with my 8 year BFF-guy friend (Josh) and former fiance- all one and the same person- has come to a screeching halt. Meaning, I’m reluctantly single again, and so lately, everything has SUCKED OUT LOUD. Which leads me to you…hehe. I’ve missed your posts! I hope things are going well (or, at least maybe your fish are good and properly buried, and not stinking up your place, as mine are). Do write soon! And hang in there. 😉

    p.s. MIDTERMS ARE OVER……………………!! Whew. It’s spring break. (semi-happy dance!)

    • From my understanding I thought that Josh and you had taken the crash course into a pithole last I checked in on you which was more than a week ago :C I was hoping when I finally got back on here that things may have gotten better. If I could I’d send you a lifetime supply of baking soda to assist in the fishy smell lady 😦 And I hope you had a good spring break 🙂 Mine is officially over Tuesday when I go back to class.

      • Yeah, Josh and I have broken up over the years a gazillion times- but this time it’s indeed permanent. (And that’s a good thing!) I was good enough to screw, but not marry. (Lovely, no?) I do have enough self-respect to not crawl back to THAT one more time. It’s a good time to finally be able to focus on ME rather than raise another man…heheh. I hope you had a good spring break too. 🙂 I’m glad to be heading back to classes. (Too much down time is NOT a good thing for me!)

      • Hey you! Good to see you! And no worries; I know how life goes- it gets us all. ;0) I haven’t been on here in weeks, myself. After the (spring) semester ended- I’ve barely moved from my plush Queen sized bed (with chocolate brown deep-pocketed Egyptian cotton flannel sheets that are to die for) and have been eating tons of sugar and reading online tabloid crap for days- it’s pure bliss. ;0) I know you understand the decompression process well too. It takes WEEKS to come out of school mode sometimes, doesn’t it? I plan on schlupping around all summer like this and I’m not ashamed one bit! 🙂 I hope you have a great summer too! (By the way, in the fall I’ll be back on full-time and this time, I’m throwing Statistics into the mix with 3 other classes. It’s going to be so freaking intense and I’m going to love it. 😉 x

      • HAHAHAHAHA your decompression sounds amazing. I wish I could take a month or three off work and enjoy more laying in bed activities 😛 😛 😛 I’ll be there to wipe away your tears during Stats. LOL!

  7. Stay strong. Depression sucks, I know cause I have to deal with it, as well, along with many, many other physical and mental illnesses. Therapy has literally been a life saver for me. I have one that helps me to deal with the physical pain, and whatever else might be going on that day, and another one that helps me with anything and everything. I see each one once a week. That’s 2 therapy visits every week, and I’m also in group therapy, but it’s on hiatus at the moment because it’s down to 2 of us and when one of us doesn’t make it, i’ts not group therapy. It’ll start back up when she finds a few more nuts LOL. That will then be back to 3 therapist, 3 sessions per week. I, also have a son with Asperger;s Syndrome and it’s very difficult to deal with him because he won’t acknowledge it. Anyway, just know you’re never alone as long as you’re here at WP. I look forward to coming back and reading more. Take care. 🙂

    • I started group therapy over a year ago and was surprised to see so many retired teachers. My daughter is a teacher so I got a little concerned. I asked her if thought teaching could cause you to be bipolar. She said she didn’t doubt it. I have long ago given up to do list. I go from the bed to the couch with my blanket and just rest. My biggest problem is suicide. So I just decided not to do things that would upset me. Since I’m old it doesn’t really matter what I do. I try to keep the kitchen clean and make the bed. I do clean the bathrooms daily. I pray you will have a good week.

      • Oh, I totally agree. I can make the damn lists all day long, but then I can’t ever do the stuff on the list and that makes me even more depressed. I pretty much stay in my bed except for doctor’s , hospitals, surgery. Nothing any fun. I have my laptop, Sudoku puzzles, paper for writing, my cell phone, my Tempurpedic bed with the base that allows you to raise the head and/or the foot of the bed. Why the hell should I even get out of it? My depression is getting worse as I have too damn much to deal with, I can’t really cope too well at the moment, and that is mostly due to someone that stole my pain meds and I am now going through withdrawals, so I’m in pain and suffering from all the lovely withdrawal symptoms. I’d like to really go out and mess that ^&&* up. Sigh……………..It’s gonna be another long 12 days. This started one day last week. I think all of us people with depression and/or several chronic illnesses have thought about suicide. Please don’t do it. I’m here and I care. I will be here if you need to talk or vent. I feel your pain and I totally understand why you would feel that way some days, because I feel that way, too. But, I have a great support system right here and they would never let me do anything like that. I’ll be praying for you. Try to have a good day.

      • I hope your depression has gotten better since you last wrote this comment. Mine has lifted just enough to begin to do little things like reply to comments, then later this week make a plan to catch up on reading blog posts…I’m trying SO HARD to take it one BABY STEP at a time in order to fight off the overwhelming feeling of dread. I hope to get to know you better though WP and I’m praying for you too. ❤

      • Well, sadly, I must report that it’s taken a turn for the worse. The people that I brought into this world really suck right now! I know that is a terrible thing to say, but it’s the truth and it’s me that’s being affected by their inconsiderate ways, always taking advantage of me. They have no need to do that because I give everything I have away. But, I’m still being robbed of the most basic human needs for survival. they are killing me. I just wrote a post about it yesterday and that is exactly who it’s about. Seems our so called loved ones are always the first to knock us down and break our spirit into a million tiny pieces. I hope your depression is still good enough to get you through the day. I know all about trying SO HARD. It gets very tiring, doesn’t it? I don’t know how many more times I can get back up. Why should I , anyway? So, they can stomp on me some more and knock me flat on my face and leave me face down, with my face in the dirt. That’s where trying SO HARD gets me, every time because it’s never good enough. NEVER. I can only hear that so many times and I don’t think I can bear to hear those harmful words, again. Still praying for you. I’ve been away for awhile, myself, just not able to do a damn thing, but I always come back to WP where I know a lot of people and have such great friends here, although bittersweet, you all know what I’m writing about and get it. I know I’m not alone. I’m just the spokesperson for a lot of us. We all have a voice, but when I speak, I speak loud and clear. Please let me know how you’ve been. Keep on keepin’ on, my dear friend. xxxxxx I walk beside you on this so called journey. xxxx hope you can have a good day, today. 🙂 I’m very sad, but I have so many friends here, like yourself, that are always here for me, unlike the people that are supposed to love me more than anyone else. I have no need to get out of bed today, so I won’t. Just laying in the dark, itunes blasting away, and my friends and supporters close at hand. I’m aways here for you, in all my glory. LOL 🙂

    • That must be a common thing with Asperger’s kids. Ulch. I feel you 100% there! Can’t wait to catch up on your blog too 🙂 And you’re right, WP is a godsend in ways like that.

      • Yeah, it’s pretty hard to have a kid that I love so much and he can’t love me back. He says he loves me, but I’m not feelin’ the love. He’s not nice to me and all I’ve ever done is break my neck to make him happy. Sigh…………..such is this so called wonderful life! Stay strong and I hope you can have a better day than I’m having, going through withdrawals since my pain meds got stolen. I am not in a very good state of mind, to say the least.

      • Whatever it is, you CAN do it. I know it’s not easy, but if anyone can, it’s YOU. I’m rooting for you, too. Please hang on………you have the best support system known to mankind, right at your fingertips, don’t ever quit or give up on us. We are here and we care. We may all be battling our own evils, but we are the ones that can open our hearts to the one’s that need it, and appreciate it. I appreciate you for all you say and do. xxxxx

  8. Pingback: mental health blog award | blahpolar diaries

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