Regardless of how ordinary stressors might seem, when they pile up they start to shake my foundation and today was a perfect example of how devastating that can be for me. Everything from unexpected expenses that call for immediate attention to owning up to things I’ve been procrastinating about because they’re stressful and fearing for dear life the task of my very last class and Capstone project torpedoing at me beginning Tuesday set me off today. The worst of it was in the morning when I found out about the money part of it all, it just tipped me over the edge. I was screaming and swearing which led to crying which led to guilt which led to depression and further frustration.
On another note that kind of brought me down, there’s a resident who lives at the foundation I work for who has Cerebral Palsy and mild mental retardation. He’s pretty sharp though, and even J, who trained me and has known him for 15 years thinks he may not even have an intellectual disability…but to the point…he communicates mostly with an iPad, and I learned that since he started doing that it really was a positive experience that he could e-mail people even if it’s still a little hard to understand (he also uses programs when you’re one on one with him to converse). So, I gave him my e-mail on Friday and he was visibly excited about it. I was expecting an e-mail by the time I got home…okay maybe by bedtime…sometime Saturday? Nothing. I was really excited about it honestly, but ended up having that ‘stood up’ feeling which has lingered and feels really crappy. It’s almost embarrassing to admit, but it’s a relatable feeling. I have no hard feelings at the end of the day, and I’ll see him Monday and ask why I didn’t get an e-mail!
I’ve decided this weekend to do some self-care. Clean up what needs cleaning and check it off making a list of accomplishments. Cleaning sucks sometimes, but it’s soothing for me, and it’s good for the soul to be in an orderly environment. Unfortunately having two sisters with obsessive compulsive disorder can really rock the boat when it comes to opinions of what belongs where. AKA my younger sister thinks it’s perfectly fine to have a shoebox sitting in the living room for no reason cluttering my zen space and because my mother babies her, that’s perfectly fine. Meanwhile, my blood is just BOILING. Anyways, thinking I’ve done nothing really brings me down and makes me just want to crash in bed which will further the whole ‘doing nothing’ thing. I’ve been playing games on my tablet, which counts for the “I want to play some games” bullet point on the weekend list. Lastly I want to start-up a new notebook (the new year gives me a ‘legitimate’ excuse to start a new one with all the same sorts of lists as usual and maybe some new ones). Oh and blog. (Check).