I feel like working with the intellectually and developmentally disabled has helped out my patience tenfold, but when it comes to my Asperger’s younger sister, it’s another story. Give me silent autistic people who want to push away their activities and shove me because I’m physically blocking them from going into drawers they’re restricted from accessing. Give me incontinence, give me someone who I need to sit with and prompt to take a bite until they finish their meal…Not this seemingly one-sided love relationship from the person whose going to be all I’ve got one day. It makes it all the worse for wondering what the future will hold for Christmas’ to come when my folks aren’t around anymore, and believe you me I’ve come a long way but I am still a very vulnerable sugar paper when it comes to emotions and Christmas and tradition and change.
Christmas this year was better than it was last year at least. And I’m texting with my male cousins who I care about a lot and seem to give more of a F about me than all of my female ones combined. I’m thankful that I’m mending some connections that were prior voids the past several years.
Today my feelings were so hurt by my sister that I wanted to be emotional and yell and scream and throw a fit…but I swallowed it and numbed my mind and went out to do some light shopping. (I decided since I have income now I would splurge a little and spend some of my Christmas money on Christmas presents I would have loved to receive to begin with). This is one of those days I really detest whatever the reason is that she’s the way she is. The argument was stupid. She never speaks to me but had no problem spitting venom when I asked her if she could PLEASE at the LEAST if she MUST have her box of shoes which she doesn’t even wear and has had for years now out of the closet, that she could put it with the shoes by the door and not in (practically) the middle of the living room. (I know that was a long-winded thought).
Absolutely not, how dare I even F-ing think of such a GD horrible thing to ask. She literally thinks I treat her like “trash” or “garbage” when I make requests of her like that. She doesn’t swear so that’s about as low as she can kick me when I’m down using words like that. My blood boils from feeling so trapped. I thought to myself, “Thank GOD I’m on such a good level of mood stabilizers right now or I’d be in the hospital from an emotional breakdown.” Can’t say I haven’t wound up in the hospital before from mental breakdowns.
I, personally “love the hospital”. I’ve been in and out of them since before I was diagnosed with Lyme Disease at age 16. I like the overwhelmingly calming feeling I get when a nurse takes my blood pressure or hooks me up to an IV. People are there to take care of me at hospitals. People are supportive and nurturing and I like being touched by stethoscopes or those goofy things they bonk your knees with. Hell, go ahead and smoosh my ankles and legs to see if I’m retaining water. It’s relaxing. There are some days I’d prefer to be in the hospital. There are also some days I’d prefer not have to have been born so don’t take it the wrong way, it’s just one of those emotional reactionary thoughts.
Ah, hospitals. I’m sure if I was in one long-term I’d be miserable and want to go home, but I guess the point is that I’m not one of those people who cringe thinking about going. I may be a mess in the waiting room at the doctor’s but once you get me in the exam room I’m calm as a clam. This paragraph is making me seem more bizarre than I actually am about hospitals. Oh well. I just like being taken care of and not having to worry about things. When you’re tense and worried about one thing or another 24/7 (even in your dreams!!) you’ll sound bizarre too when you think about what few things actually make you feel relaxed.
If you think I should go get a massage if I like that sensation of being touched in a therapeutic way, then let me tell you that getting a massage is one of the most anxiety provoking freaking stupid things in the world for me. Not only am I worried that I’m doing something wrong (my body is too stiff, I’m not positioned right, etc.) but I’m always wondering if time is going to be up and when and will I have actually relaxed by then?! It’s awful! I could use a backrub right now though.
Aside from spending the weekend anxious about how the clock is ticking away until I have to go back to work, I’ve made myself feel alright by keeping busy with games. Something I haven’t done in a while. I love games, I’m awful at a ton of them but they’re still a hobby. I don’t make enough time for them, so here I am and that feels good. I also started my stamp collection officially and that’s kind of nice too. I’m really trying hard to do self-care to balance out my stress. School starts the first week of January. Twice a week at night. The change is going to make me feel super gross like most changes do, and add another layer of anxiety, but in the end I’m working hard and turning things around in my life by an incredible amount.
I’m scared at some point or another I won’t be able to keep it up…And I’m well aware I’m wasting precious moments of my life being scared.