Midnight Madness

I had to stop and ask myself if I was manic this evening, or just really excited. I got a lot of shopping done and have been stockpiling lesson plan ideas on Pintrest so I can shape up my classroom. I bought a basket full of things at the dollar store that are going to be perfect. I started having major anxiety around 7 or 8pm though because I’m feeling a little pressured and overwhelmed. Of course the pressure is on me by me. I want to get some of these activities prepared for class this week, but I wanted to use the construction paper we have at the school and I have bus duty this week so I won’t be able to come in early to use it. I don’t feel like it’s right to sit around doing something even if it’s classroom related when class is in session mostly because my co-teachers don’t do much one-on-one or make sure everyone has something to do or change their activity for them when they’ve finished something…it seems like I’m doing 80% or more of the work most of the time. My blood starts to boil when I see for instance, the girl whose autistic and has Down’s Syndrome sitting at her seat rocking back and forth with nothing to do and babbling to herself. Everyone should always be occupied and stimulated during class time. There’s about 15 in my classroom and three of us. It’s a lot to handle and when it feels like one person is handling 12 at a time…well, it makes me feel like I’m failing as a teacher because I’m not able to serve the entire room to its full active potential. I am doing my best though and I recognize that.

I honestly have a hard time figuring out what to do with myself on weekends now. I have zero desire for a social life, and spend my time catching up on housework I haven’t been on top of during the week because I’m so freaking tired when I get home. I’ve been trying to sleep between 8 and 11pm, ideally snoring by 9. It’s funny though because in a few weeks when school starts, Tuesdays and Thursdays I’m going to be FINISHING class at 9:45pm, and then head home and be in bed by 11, hopefully sleeping by 12 but that’s wishful thinking.

I also have gained back a bunch of weight I lost when I was swimming and going to the gym. It’s on my list of things to do now is get back to the YMCA and swim at least three times a week. I know it’s very doable but thinking about the load of tasks I’m going to be taking on makes me feel like I won’t be able to get enough sleep and therefore won’t be able to function or get things done and I’ll be miserable all the time. When in fact, right now, I have two days off to ENJOY, and what am I doing? Stressing myself about how I don’t have any time to relax and enjoy myself.

I guess I’m just not used to this huge change yet, working full-time. And come January my schedule is going to further be complicated and it’s going to be an even LONGER process to accept the changes. Honestly when things are out of the ordinary in my schedule it gives me HUGE anxiety.

I’m hoping to snap some pictures of what I bought for class and give a little overview of what it’s like in the low functioning classroom (for the intellectually disabled- the new terminology for the population). I am seriously a very badass “special ed” teacher though.

8 thoughts on “Midnight Madness

  1. Hope things won’t be too hectic and stressful for you. It is a big change working full time if you are not used to it. I’ve been out of it for a few years now because of mental health problems and being pretty sick…

    But you sound like a good teacher even though you are feeling stressed.. You really care !!

  2. Now that I’m medicated, I’m constantly worrying about the “manic vs excited” thing. I’m inclined to say that if it only lasts a day or two, is productive, and doesn’t lead to any harmful behavior then I’m just excited about something. And I’m thankful when that happens, because I usually find it hard to get excited about anything at all.

    • HA! I understand COMPLETELY what you’re saying. I’m rarely excited about anything as well. I go through phases…but they don’t last long, mostly just because I’m a big depressed butthole.

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