Here’s to Hope


October 26, 2014: Barbie, it’s been a week you should write your next blog post. -My Mind

November 2, 2014: Barbie, this is your OCD speaking, I’m about to smother you with obsessive thoughts if you don’t write, you’re overdue. -My Mind

November 3, 2014: Barbie, I’m going to overload your stomach area with anxiety that will make you so full you won’t be able to move if you don’t blog right now. -My Mind

November 5, 2014, you’re going to lose all your followers and fall into an abyss of depression if you don’t blog. -My Mind

November 7, 2014: Barbie, you have anxiety about blogging? You have no job and plenty of free time? Your life is so hard. -My Mind

November 8, 2014: Barbie, I’m just trying to help motivate you here. -My Mind

That’s pretty much how it goes after a week of not being on top of my blogging. It’s part of my routine, so if I eff it up I punish myself. It’s not like I’m shy on material either. Right now I even have good news for once. I have a shot at a job as a Developmental Trainer working with the developmentally handicapped.

Duties include:

  • Lead group/individual activities to maximize active programming
  • Communicate client needs to appropriate contact person
  • Monitor and supervise clients throughout the day
  • Assist with client morning routines and door monitoring as assigned
  • Provide intervention for client maladaptive behaviors as trained and assigned
  • Assist clients with Activities of Daily Living
  • Facilitate core groups and assist with choice groups

The thing is, I haven’t heard back from the HR lady yet for a phone screening or interview. My friend from school said they need to fill this position ASAP (this was last Wednesday). I immediately sent my resume and because it’s a full-time M-F job I had to tell the mother of the kids I nanny for that if I get this job, I won’t be able to sit on Thursdays anymore. This was both devastating for me and her. She knew in January my class was starting and I wouldn’t be able to sit anymore, but this was much more abrupt. That’s how serious I am about getting this job, so much so that I’m not threatening my ability to get the job by trying to negotiate a “can’t work on Thursday’s” schedule. I know that wouldn’t be possible, and this is a job in my field. That’s a big deal.

On Thursday my friend said she hadn’t seen the HR lady around but she’d send an e-mail or leave a message with the secretary. I felt so glad to hear that. Also, after I was done putting the kids to bed on Thursday night the dad came home and told me he’s crossing my fingers I get this job and that they’ll figure it out. This isn’t my career after all. It lifted so much weight off of my shoulders. I’m already feeling anxiety and jealousy about another babysitter coming in to replace me. I did say I would visit weekly to see the kids, I just don’t want them loving this person the way they love me because I’m selfish and scared and need the love of the three little kids I’ve raised for nearly 4 years like my own. Before I’m harshly criticized, I do know that this is just an immediate feeling I need to get off my back and that I’m sure I’ll come around as I see things aren’t as bad as I thought they would be.

Friday came and went without word from the HR lady. Saturday I got a message from my friend asking if I’d heard anything from her. When I said no she replied with, “I’ll figure it out.” The support in her trying to get me into this job is just incredible. I’m holding my breath over the weekend and hoping Monday I’ll hear from this woman. I’m hoping then this week I’ll have an interview, and that by next week I’ll have a job (even if I don’t start for a week or two). That’d be ideal, but we’ll see. I’ve gotten my hopes up over jobs before this year and my dreams have crashed and burned, but this is honestly the best one to come along and the one I’m desperate to reel in.

Maybe some of my depression will lift after I start working, and though I’m AWFUL with change in both my routine and generally in life (it’s so upsetting it physically hurts) I know that once I start a new routine I’ll be feeling more confident. Working part-time was always stressful because my routine would be a two-parter. Not working life and then working life and the transitions the days coming before work would give me mounds of anxiety that would manifest physically and ruin my free time.

I would say lately as far as general mental health goes, I’ve been having some problems managing my OCD, but been pretty stable with my Bipolar Disorder. Thank god. I think that one’s a little worse to deal with. I do still need to schedule an appointment with a new psychiatrist and soon. 

Remember the dog I was taking care of for a long time until I had a falling out with the owner last winter? Well he passed away last week. I wrote out a sympathy card with some serious sentinses…I hope that I can talk myself into putting it into her mailbox very quietly tomorrow sometime.

Maybe now that this is out of my system I can experience some relief.

23 thoughts on “Here’s to Hope

  1. hello, thanks for liking my poem. your blog is very interesting, and this is not an automated response. I was diagnosed Bipolar, depressed, OCD and Major anxiety, I’m not realy sure. a lot of what I’ve read m (so far) are familiar to me. anyways, I would like to ask you some questions sometime, I’ve been so low and lonely. I hope you have the time! and patience lol.

    thanks for this blog in the meantime

  2. I hope you get the job! You are right. It will cause great anxiety at first, but once you settle in, the routine will help. Having a little money is good too.

    Anxiety is weird, isn’t it? It’s virtually entirely self imposed, but we do it to ourselves over and over. My therapist reminds me to do affirmations regularly, work and exercise help. Thank God for meds.

    Anyway, it is normal to be put on “hold” by HR. It is not a reflection on you. If you get the job or not, you are important!

    Don’t forget that! The irony in this is that I find myself always having to reassuring myself. But it is still true though.
    Keep us posted.

    • Therapy?! I remember that 😛 I wish I could afford it right now. But then again I’m not entirely sure Medicaid won’t pay for it. If I get this job I hope I’m still low income enough for public aid honestly.

      My interview went great 🙂 You’d be proud. I’m manic right now, but managing. A few choices I need to make this week that are giving me anxiety, but I know deep down I can handle it.

      Miss you.

  3. I’m sure you’ll get this job! It’s gonna be great! I’m sorry about the dog you were watching. That’s so sad. I love dogs. I’m sure his owner would appreciate reading a card from you. You’re a kind person.

  4. Sounds like an awesome job! The wooooooooooorst part of job searching is waiting for people to call you back. Somehow they never call when they say they will.
    I have learned to work while dealing with crippling depression and anxiety. Having a job where I feel like I am making a difference in the world keeps me coming back. I wish you the best!

  5. Good luck to you! (On all counts — job, depression, OCD, life… I relate to the depression in particular, although I’ve learned to deal with it pretty successfully after many years of trying various things — btw, NEWS FLASH: “Drugs and alcohol don’t work.” Most people know that intuitively, but many, many addicts we’re basically self-medicating… Anyway, good luck on the job and have a great week! And on a positive side note: I vote you as having the best blog name ever. 🙂

  6. Thanks for liking my post (BipolarBrave). I like your gravatar – I was JUST watching the newer Muppets movie last night (Muppets Most Wanted) and you happened to like my post lol. I read your post here, I am really refreshed by your writing. You are frank, transparent and flowing in your writing style. I like 🙂 Thanks again for sharing. I hope you get the job – it sounds like a good one.

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