Twists and Turns of 27

And anxiety ensued, as it was likely to:

I turned 27 this past Sunday, and my dad got me a membership to the YMCA. Mostly because my doctor said swimming would be good for me. The first thing that entered my mind after five minutes in the warm pool was that for as much cardio and strength training I’ve been doing six days a week for a month now, swimming still kicked my ass. I know how to do it, but I need major stamina (gotta level up for points, right?). So I spent my half hour exercise kicking my legs as long as I could over and over again while hanging on to the side of the pool. It wasn’t very busy at all. Just camp kids coming in halfway through my time there, and still I had about half the pool to myself. That took the edge off when I figured the lifeguards would be keeping their eyes on the little ones and ignoring the 20 something re-learning how to swim properly.

The eyes on me inside of the pool area were beating on me like those red laser pointers at the end of those big guns…but the real anxiety was in the locker room. For starters, I was so in my head trying to get ready, not forget the locker key, and overanalyzing my surroundings that I forgot to bring a towel out with me to the pool. DUMB! I had to positively talk to myself when I got out of the pool and say, “Well I’m sure this isn’t the first time this has happened to anyone, and it’s just a small little mistake anyway, I can’t look THAT stupid. Plus…most of the attention is on the kids and lap swimmers right? I can get away with this…”

Secondly, oh my god I’m not used to ladies stripping down no F’s given in front of me. When I snuck in the locker room to take a shower I chose one of the two stalls that had a curtain. Showering felt great…but afterwards I had no idea where to dry myself, and when I WAS dry I had to sneak into the corner of the locker room to dress myself. There was one lady who was in the locker room not suited up for swimming yet, so I wasn’t bombarded the way I was when I first got there. THANK GOD! I think the worst part was that I wanted to make sure my butt and lady area were completely dry before I put my underwear on, so here I am silently thinking, “Oh god oh god do it fast and hope no one comes in here…” The sheer horror thinking that if people were in the locker room they would have seen my lady area is terrifying. The thing about it is there’s nowhere that’s dry enough to keep your gym bag or clean clothes other than the main area, and that’s swimming (har har) with ladies, the ones closest to my age being the most anxiety provoking.

I made it though! Hopefully tomorrow I’ll handle the anxiety as well, and maybe even remember my towel.

Extremes:

My mom said I was as excited as a two-year old while I was opening my birthday gifts. My dad said, “she IS a two-year old over this shit!” And it’s true, I have a lust for finding excuses to be spirited like a little kid. I love Christmas morning and our family traditions, I love going on family vacations, I love playing with the kids I nanny for. I was going through my new journal I got for my birthday and making “to-do” lists of family vacation ideas which included Disney World and our itineraries for such trips. My family has been promising we’d all go when we were able to go financially again, especially since we haven’t been on a family vacation in a few years now, which was at first hard on morale, because like clockwork every summer we went on some vacation even if it was just overnight at the WI state fair. Guess who was young at heart there too? YOU GUESSED IT! Me. Bipolar Barbie-Q. I get emotional over this crap too. It all makes sense NOW, but years and years before the diagnosis it was outrageous how depressed I’d get over the last day(s) of our vacations, crying and being a mope. I still get the same way without much of the crying and less of the depression thanks to Mr. Mood Stabilizer and his friend drugs. Still, the other side of things now that we’re all older is the list of questions to obsess over that ring around the rosy in my mind. “Is this going to be our last time going to Disney?” “Are my parents going to want to go on any of the thrill rides with me?” “Will dad hurt his back if he goes on one with me so I don’t go alone and hurt his back and ruin the whole vacation?” “Will my sister and her mysterious bowel problem ruin the whole trip?” As much as the “Let’s make a list of what to do on vacation!” is fun, it’s also frustrating if I dote too much on the variables of at-home living problems.

Following in little kid fashion I swam today, I read an entire book, and I made my lists. I sat there in bed with my covers balled up feeling bored. It was smirking at that silly feeling that sparked this post.

Lastly:

Someone very special to me is a complete dick. It’s like he lives to bring me down, and I know some of it is that he’s miserable about his life so he takes it out on me sometimes, he’s admitted it. But we had a little falling out about it last night, and I haven’t heard from him since. I love the guy, so of course I’m affected by it. He’s not 100% dick…but he’s on a roll these past couple months, and if it weren’t for Mr. Mood Stabilizer and his friend drugs (they’re a very popular lot in this post, you think?) I’d be sleeping all day and crying when I was awake. Of course I feel like it’s all my fault, and I should apologize, but…there’s a certain line that I don’t think should logically be crossed over my guilt. How much of it is rational?

Ahh what a life. When I get to a proper computer with a mouse that doesn’t have this pesky finger pad ‘mouse’ that spazzes every other time I touch it I’d be so happy to flutter around WordPress with interactive love. Hopefully tomorrow I’ll get a chance. My favorite WordPressers need to know I’m still rooting for them! The guilt knowing I’m slacking is unforgiving. #FirstWorldProblems

11 thoughts on “Twists and Turns of 27

  1. Once again, you managed to pique my interest. I see so many similarities in your posts and mine but also the things about myself that I haven’t even posted yet. I absolutely love acting like a kid and I know those feelings you’re talking about. I honestly think those moments are some of the best I have these days. It’s good to just kick back and feel young again. I’ve recently had a falling out with someone close to me and it sucks. My anxiety has come back a million times worse and I’m about to lose it. I hope you post something again soon. This whole not being alone and having someone who knows what I’m going through is refreshing. My mind is starting slow down so I’ll end this here.

    • It makes me super excited that I can pique your interest. I’m going to have to check in on your blog this weekend. The rest of my day is booked, I just wanted to respond to some comments while I had a free minute. My anxiety has had my heart racing like mad the past two days as though I’m being hunted down but I’m obviously not…I wonder if it’d be easier to deal with if my life WAS in danger because at least then I’d have some reason to feel like I’m freaking out 24/7 with purpose. I hope your anxiety calms itself down even if just for a little. We’ll talk soon.

  2. Hey, you’re doing better than I would have been. I am way too freaked out to get into a public pool with others- bleach, chloroform- doesn’t matter. Taking in their “dead skin celled and body fluid water” into my mouth is just too much. Haven’t done it in over 20 years and never will again. But kudos to you! You’re certainly coming out of your shell. Good for you. :0)

    • You CRACK ME UP sometimes! I feel like I’m crawling out of one shell and piling in to another recently. Then my anxiety makes me want to find like a huge mega shell with zombie-proof security because my anxiety is obviously as intense lately as you know, zombies. I’ll check in on your blog this weekend! I’m busy as hell right now, sadly not enough to actually be distracted.

  3. I love this post. Not only because I have definitely been the one that forgot a towel and huddled in a remote corner to shamefully redress, but also because I do the same thing with trips and holidays. They are so exciting, yet so depressing when over. My sister is more normal than me.

    I’m the one in the family that used to ruin trips with mysterious bowel issues, but found that anti-anxiety meds relieved that issue pretty well (after trips to the doctor for Chron’s, IBS, colonoscopies, etc… it was just anxiety. As a nurse I find it appalling that they make you go through years of suffering instead of trying a damn Benzo… not an approved diagnosis, whatever.)

    What kind of cardio are you doing? I like that we are so similar. I wish I could import my old blog from whichever site I used for years… started with an L.. hm. Rambling. No idea why.

    Happy late birthday!

    • Oh god..years of suffering without answers I’m well versed in because I had a big battle with Lyme Disease starting at age 15…I’ll tell you the story sometime. I may have even posted about it once…either way gotta love giving people the run around before they TRY something that won’t hurt you to TRY. Thank you for the belated birthday wishes!! When I’m at the gym I do the elliptical, now that I’m swimming I’ve been doing laps. I’ll pop in to your blog this weekend. Just wanted to reply while I had a minute before the rest of my very long day takes place.

      • Lyme disease is no fun :/ My grandmother realized she had it a little too late. I hope you enjoy your day! I wish I had less time at home, haha

  4. I feel guilt I haven’t been by in so long. ahhh, I hope you know I’m rooting for you!

    You did good at the pool. I’m a spazz and would not have been able to be so logical with myself about forgetting my towel. Horrors! How could I ever go back! Well that would have been me…I think now, I would be able to do it. Now about showing my lady parts, and showering in public and stuff….horrors for real. We would have to figure something out there. I had to have aqua therapy for my hip a few years ago and the locker room was a challenge. I had a cute little light weight wrap dress, a wrap or robe of some kind will do, maybe the kind that looks like a towel wrapped around you but it actually velcros on so it won’t fall off. I got dressed mostly under that. And I could sit and not have my naked butt on something. The wrap towel that velcros on would work better than what I had. As it is a towel so if you aren’t all the way dry it will help with that too. I just went to Amazon and put in “wrap towel” and yep that’s what you need. it would help a lot I think. Be sure to wear flip flops or “shower shoes” in there so you won’t get athlete’s foot, or spray your feet with stuff. I know I’m a nurturer.
    I think you are doing great! Exercising, and stuff, wow! and doing the kicks are a perfect way to start. I need to try to see if I can stand the pool again. The wonky head from the balance issues my not let me, but it is my preferred method of exercise. Easy on the joints.

    I too am the 2 year old with happy days. And putting in your plans things about dad’s back and sister’s bowel issues, shows you are growing up. and mr. mood stabilizer and friends are helping. But that doesn’t mean you can’t be giddy and be the 2 year old too. Have fun. And take someone with you to ride more rides if others don’t want to ride anymore. You can all have fun, even if it’s different. Or go somewhere else? I can’t ride rides anymore because of my balance and vertigo issues, so last time at Disney, I did a behind the scenes tour…it was the coolest thing ever! I was a giddy kid! I saw some of the coolest stuff i still regale people with the stories. I saw the first conceptual drawings of Disney! how cool is that? I was at Disney Land and saw Walt’s apartment…and so much more…it was amazing. And the stories. Well I was in heaven, and so giddy.

    I think you are giving Mr. Mood Stabilizer and Friends too much credit. Yes they are a big help! But you are learning too. You have to work hard and know that you have to take care of you, you have learned behaviors that you have to overcome…you are doing that. You have to take care of you. Mr. M. S. and Friends are just helping, you are doing the work. remember that. and you are doing the right thing with your friend. When he is down on himself and taking it out on you, you have to protect you and let him know that is unacceptable. He knows he is doing it. You love him. You forgive him. If he loves you, he needs to try to stop, and if he can’t he needs to respect you enough to leave when he starts to do it and come back when he feels better, until he learns how to stop. You both need that for both of you. It’s for both of you.

    I’m so proud of you. You sound amazing.

    • The guilt is all mine! I put your e-mail in the ‘to reply to’ folder of my gmail which I never remembered to go back and check and therefore totally let you down. It made me so happy to see you wrote me a comment 🙂 I’ll have to check in on your blog this weekend. I’m such an absent minded primate sometimes…I’m always rooting for you too 🙂 The wrap and flip flops are BRILLIANT ideas! I’m going to have to implement those as immediately as I can afford them. (Flip flops no problem, we’ll see prices on the wraps) Luckily I’ve been showing up in the locker room to clean up and leave at moments where no one else seems to be in there…so I’m taking my victories with me on those days.

      I saw that you can do behind the scenes tours at Disney but they don’t have any details about them. That makes me excited that you liked yours! That’s something to put on the list then.

      You’re right that I’m doing the work. To have that said to me makes me recognize it, but when I’m just sitting by my lonesome I feel like I don’t give myself credit for anything because why should I? I don’t have all the answers so it’s no big victory…at least that’s how it is in my head. Ulch I don’t even know how it is in my head honestly my mind right now is on a trip through a circus, too much to filter out and not enough control to enjoy.

      Chris is better…he stopped being such a jerk after I confronted him about it. But still it drives me nuts sometimes. He’s a big anxiety trigger a lot of the time.

      I’m happy you’re proud of me 🙂 I wish I felt as amazing as you think I sound though 😛 I’m working on it for sure. At least this week having a little trouble.

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