Mood Poisoning

I got off the phone with my depressed best friend who hates his life and who feels that I’m doing nothing with mine, so I cried into my pillow for a half hour, and decided I’d blog my feelings out, because I’ve grown into a woman who can’t express hers to anyone anymore. It just causes disagreements, confrontations, and in both situations the arguing leads to absolutely nothing. I may even regret some of the feelings I’m having right now, but at least I didn’t waste time saying things I might regret, and then linger on it for a week(s), or month(s).

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Since May 9th, I’ve applied for 58 jobs. Job hunting is like fishing, you drown a lot of worms and lose a lot of cheese cubes before something bites, and when it does there’s not a 100% chance you’ll actually reel it in.

“Just get any ol’ job even if it’s not what you want to do, or part time.” Is collectively the bottom line of what I’ve heard from extended family and my very best friend. Repeatedly. I want to be a forensic psychologist, so I’ve already applied for 58 jobs I don’t really want to do. But who cares, right?

You need money so you can move out of your parents house and make something of yourself. Because you’re a big loser who does the same crap every day, right? Being a caretaker to your aging parents and your developmentally disabled sister, looking for a job, working out, finding a few hours to watch a show or book you like because you can’t stand how stuck you are and need an escape?

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Oh, you’ve been working out consistently for the past several days now that you’ve started and you took a day off? How dare you! You have to work out 7 days a week to make up for all the years that you didn’t work out, right? “If were working out I’d be ecstatic.”

You’re depressed all the time so you need to change your entire life immediately to remedy that, right? What am I supposed to do with the little in my bank account I scrounge together to pay my bills monthly? Go learn how to jet ski and enjoy the summer on Lake Michigan? Learn pottery? Study literature?

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You know, I would love to get my own place. I’m grateful to have a family willing to house me for free until I’m financially independent and through school as well as being there for me when I’m in dire need of them at the ends of my rope on both sides of my bipolar disorder. Without the bipolar and ocd life would be a hell of a lot easier. But boo hoo, change your attitude and take your western medication, right?

It was a common thing on both sides of my family to live at home, save up, take care of the family, and then when you get engaged move out, live in an apartment until both of you with duo income can afford a nice house, then start a family. If that’s not possible, then you get a pet, or build a pond in your backyard and collect nice things to enjoy. Thanks individualistic culture for making it more embarrassing for every generation to need to move out at 18. As if I didn’t have enough to feel bad about. Even the anthropologist in me can’t put up enough of a fight about it. Maybe I could just move in with some pygmies in some forest being chopped down, traveling on foot and having to leave our elderly and sick behind for the survival of the tribe.

Of course all I want to do is help privileged white people who have cerebral palsy or night terrors in a cozy office. I’d never venture to a third world country to live or to provide care. I’m not at all a supporter of global human rights movements or preserving small cultures.

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I’d love to have enough money to buy my own 4 bedroom house at 26. I’d like to have a steady job, something I don’t hate, because my brain chemistry is so shitty that it’s easy for me to get depressed to a point where I’m completely stagnant because I hate the stress of my job that I don’t like and am not good at because I’ll likely not be trained properly as has been the standard of the last several jobs I’ve had.

I know that I’m stuck, and I hate it, and I’m trying, but not quick enough for some people apparently. Apparently I’m just a big loser doing nothing with my life. And my dreams of owning my own house are outrageous, right? Having a quality job? Ha! What a joke. You’re not making money and you never will. And if you do? Who cares, because you’re not doing it fast enough.

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You know, I already assume I’ll die alone. And as my immediate family passes (which I hope doesn’t happen for another few decades) I’ll be ever closer to that realization. But believe me, I’ll do it in my big house with my nice things and my western medicine, and my PhD and hope that the afterlife is a hell of a lot more pleasant than this one has been.

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11 thoughts on “Mood Poisoning

  1. I’m in a similar situation. I’m looking for a jobs. I’ve applied for 40 things I don’t want, and I still can’t get even on of those jobs. I’d like to do something I’m passionate about…but how do I do that? Idk lots of questions, and no answers. But I guess I just have to pick something and start working towards it. I really don’t like that answer though. My ocd wants to obsess and obsess over what I really want to do.

  2. Sounds like you have a lot going on. Are you sure the meds are working for you, because it seems with so many issues that they are not. Living with mental illness is hard, especially if the meds are not working. Been there done that and I can assure you that the right meds do make things better. But sorting out a messed up life takes a lot of time. And I find it helps to focus on one little thing at a time. Trying to change everything at once is setting yourself up to fail.
    So what is the first thing you would change, one step at a time?

  3. I hope you are doing better soon. I am taking care of my Mom who has an inoperable cancer and is not doing well at all. I’m not sad about my position here. I am mad about other peoples’ stupid reactions and ideas of what it means to help. I get tired of talking to most humans, they suck. Whenever I do they seem to get a glazed look on their faces like they’re just waiting to take out a hokey peice of advice that they want to use to shut me up. Sometimes I am just blunt and say what I want like “Yeah, my Mom’s not doing well. You should call her. I’m busy.” I feel guilty for playing Bejeweled at 3 in the morning. I fight it when I can and when I can’t I tell my Mom, sorry, I have got to lay down. I hit most of the marks though so I’m still in the game. And even though the people who say they’ll come to see her don’t I try to distract myself from throwing a b!tch fit.
    We have our system. I wake up around 11 am. I have always done that (if I’m not depressed.) People don’t understand and try to give me advice on how to sleep “properly”. Even patiently explaining the BP II thing rarely deters them from their mission of telling me how I should live my life. Whatever. Mom understands. We talked about it years ago and worked things out. The world is ignorant and even many times the people who shouldn’t be are too.
    I’m glad you blew off some steam and I hope it helped.

  4. I have felt and currently feel a lot of what you’re feeling. Don’t let others make it worse, you are already your worst enemy. There is absolutely nothing wrong with wanting the best for yourself. Settling on “any ol job” will only escalate the need/want for something more. Just keep moving forward, remaining in one state for too long only increases that trapped feeling. Stay positive, eventually you’ll trick yourself into a good mood and motivation – from one uncomfortable person to another. 🙂

  5. I started reading this post and my first thought was “Shit! There’s someone else out there who’s life is slowly imploding around them,” and then I realized that’s a shitty thing to think and it changed to “Oh no, how terrible for this person to be going through so much bullshit all at once.” Fuck society’s expectations and ideas of what makes someone successful and what people should do with their lives. It’s not good for you and it’s definitely not good for you. I repeated that to add emphasis on how bad for you It is. Do what you want. Do what makes you happy. Do the exact opposite of what people are expecting. This is probably horrible advice but sometimes it helps to have someone tell you something different. I don’t really have any answers because I’m in the same place you are in life and I hate it but at least I can sit down and vent on a blog that nobody will probably every read. Keep on keeping on. It gets easier as you stop caring about what other people think and expect of you.

    • You know I laughed when I read the part about your initial reaction of “there’s someone out there who’s life is slowly imploding around them” because I’ve completely felt that way a ton of times and then had the same secondary feeling of “oh no”. I don’t think your advice is that horrible at all. Honestly I know better than to be so pressured by the world around me, but it’s such a strong surrounding force it’s like being obliterated sometimes by the shrinking bubble of negativity and bad luck around me. I know I’m not the only one out there. I think you’re a great writer and I’m pleased to have a great writer and a good mind be gravitated to my blog. I’ll be reading if no one else so keep your head up. I’m not the best at writing comments just like I am about replying to them…but my invisible eyes are here. By the way, if you didn’t know, I live in Chicago, I know you used to.

      • This made my night. Things have been rough but I’m sure you know that just from reading my blog. I’m interested to find out if our paths have ever crossed when I was still living at home (Chicago will always be home). The city is so big that the possibility of that ever happening is extremely low but it would be a crazy random happenstance if that happened.

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