Everyone wears different hats (some of which are cowboy hats made of straw that get destroyed at folk punk shows) and it’s not a bad idea to count them when we’re feeling down. I’m a writer, a student, a sister, daughter, friend, photographer, and a spoon.
The big spoon to be exact, and that’s my favorite spoon to be. Historically, when Chris and I are in bed, he picks a side to lay and I get behind him and put my arm around him, scootch up so my chest is touching his back, and my knees duck behind his in the same direction. I’ve spent years as the big spoon, looking over his shoulder as he quietly snores, while I’m unable to fall asleep as quickly. I’ve used the time to take in the scenery.
A living photograph, I don’t want to forget the moment, the sights, or the smells. I delve into memories that weren’t significant. Like his old dog that I held in a blanket once in his room while she drooled all over herself, freaked out by the thunderstorm. Or just a few years ago when he decided he wanted to rearrange his room, we cleaned it out and found his old talkboy with a recording on it and giggled. It’s never boring to be the big spoon.
But aside from traveling the harmonious side of the universe, I also spend a lot of time overthinking. Pretty memories tainted by the grim feeling that the best years of my life are over, and I’m a very unhappy, stuck, and sick adult. It’s a grotesque feeling to have.
I’m not as comfortable being the social butterfly I used to be because my anxiety has steadily risen as I’ve aged. I don’t have the energy I used to when I wasn’t hypothyroid. I lost my slim figure and ALL my confidence. I’m a class short of a college degree and unemployed as I spend nights at home peering through the digital windows of people from my past via Facebook.
Some have joined the army, gotten married, had kids… Those are the hardest things to see when you feel like you’re behind in life. Last Thursday while I had my nanny hat on, I was holding the 1.5 year old who had his feet on my thigh and head and hands on my chest and my other arm around the 3.5 year old who was cuddled up holding my arm with both hands so I wouldn’t let go. We were watching Disney’s Hercules. I was thinking about how much I love those kids, how good of a mom I’d be to my own kids.
(These are the boys, this picture is on my instagram!)
I guess the only thing to do is fake it till you make it. Go through the motions, the job searches, pretend you’re not violently depressed while you’re out, and make yourself GO out to battle how easy it is to isolate. Try not to waste the years you’re given even if they’re not the best of your life. It’s more work than it sounds, though the non depressed highly motivated career people reading this will likely disagree.
Oh well, no one can download an app to understand what another person is feeling anyways. If they could they’d pick up on the slew of feelings I discovered a few nights ago when I found out the girl who Chris had a “thing” with over the winter in WA had read my blog when she found out I was on tumblr.
I had been copy/pasting my blog posts from here to tumblr so Chris would read them both before I found out about the thing and the months after when I was in day hospital and we were on non speaking terms. (Just to make note of it, it’s been months since I stopped posting there, he came home, things changed.)
But this is finding out the girl whose guts I hate read my blog, and most importantly LIKED my writing. She even commented to Chris that she really liked the poem I wrote. After some time when the blog was discontinued she even asked him again where she could find it. I was thankful to find out he didn’t tell her.
I was shocked and scared at first, then angry, then complimented. Then undecided, which is where I’ve parked that emotional Volkswagen because there’s no use in obsessing over it.
To end on a jolly note, here are some screenshot sneak peeks at my instagram in case you feel like adding me! I’m more than happy to add you back. 🙂 “lelindelle” is the user name, drop a comment, and as always, thanks for reading.