The Chronicles of Barbie-a

There are few times my chemically unstable behaviors cause me to feel embarrassed because I seem crazy, but when I have a manic laughing fit, that’s damn well one of them. It’s like touching a cursed object. Maybe rubbing your hand against a crooked chicken foot or being subject to a centuries old witches toenail having dissolved in your Diet Coke. It was a couple weeks ago it last happened, and I wasn’t in a full blown manic episode either, I was just having a spike of imbalance I guess you could say. I was laughing so hysterically and I couldn’t put an end to it. I ended up feeling so out of control that I left the room I was lounging with Chris in and stuffed a pillow over my face. I wasn’t gasping for breath because I was suffocating myself with that pillow, I was gasping for breath because I couldn’t stop laughing. I spent time trying to put my mind in static mode, not think of anything and calm my body down, but the hint of any thought triggered more laughter. When it wore out its course I was relieved, but frustrated.

It’s another night where I held down the power button for my brain and the mind-computer didn’t shut off. My sleep schedule continues to suffer from irregularity without the added Seroquel to my chemical diet. I may use the Ritalin I use sparingly to keep myself up tomorrow so I can tire out in the evening and sleep at a regular time. Hopefully this month I should be able to get back on the dose I was on, and perhaps bump it up for the next month if need be. It may help aid me in mending my social life as well. It took a major toll when I dropped the drug. In fact, I isolated so hard without meaning to, that one of my best friends blew up at me a few days ago when I apologized for being absent. I’ve clammed up this past two months more so than ever in my distress about where life has landed me. Even when I feel I should speak up for myself I just swallow it down to the pit of my stomach and after a few hours or a nights rest it disappears. Metabolizes or something. Who knows, but I’m getting good at it, and that’s not a positive thing. We nearly ended our friendship right then and there, and if I hadn’t have said “I’m sorry” later that night out of guilt for going into a defensive stance and raging back at her, we’d probably have cut ties entirely. It’s easy to cut ties. Even children’s scissors could slice those ribbons.

The OCD is kicking up a little too lately, it’s the stress. Whenever I’m overwhelmed with things my obsessive thoughts take the stage. The reoccurring one I’ve had for years has resurfaced, which is that I’m terrified there will be a spark from an outlet like in a Final Destination movie and my house will go down in flames. Even repeating it for you now makes me uneasy. I also imagine myself losing all of my teeth one by one in a single sitting. I’ve also been obsessively cleaning and utterly disgusted when I come home and find something out of place, a shopping bag plopped down by the door, the shoes out of their neat line…

On the job front, I’m frustrated, but working hard at it. I’m sick of feeling like a bum. I have an opportunity to work as a Behavioral Therapist for an autistic child(ren) 10 hours a week, the woman I spoke with over the phone was interested in me, in fact she said the only thing that’ll be rough to do to get me going in this position is to find a family that would be a good match. I don’t have a ton of experience with low functioning children on the spectrum, so looking for high functioning kids may be a bit of a search, and hopefully for my own sake they find someone soon, because I really want this job. Always room to move up and take on other cases with more experience as well. What more could you ask for working in your field, and with children? That’s what I love to do.

It feels good to blog. It really does. If I wasn’t such a clam I’d be doing it more often.

10 thoughts on “The Chronicles of Barbie-a

  1. Being bipolar myself I completely get you! I enjoyed reading this post. Like I always tell myself, write more! Even when you think you don’t have much to say, trust me, stick in some tunes & it will flow. You’ve got great flow to your writing. Understand & know you aren’t alone in this battle! Stay strong & keep finding what medicine works best for you. It’s trial & error & a hell of a lot of patience!!! 🙂

  2. I’m glad you are blogging. It’s a good release. I have the laughing fits. I don’t think of them as manic fits though…I think I’m pretty darn stable. I think I just get tickled, easily, and it explodes. I get very tickled, and since I have asthma I’ll start coughing and can’t breath…it’s horrible, but still I’ll start to calm down and think about what made me laugh and start again! sooo, It’s not just you. Even though I’m stable, I’m what I would call, highly emotional. and that’s alright with me. It’s who I am. I can go with the flow most of the time, but I am have very strong opinions about things. And that’s OK too.
    Meds are a delicate balance. and doctors are a delicate balance too. I think I have found a good one after the last one who almost killed me! I was surprised to read you were hanging out with Chris, think I’ve missed some things. we do need to catch up. We will soon!! I hope.

    xo

    • Just as I’m about to reply to your comment my laptop overheated, THE RAGE!!! I have tons to tell you that’s behind the scenes- not blog material about Chris particularly and I still have your last e-mail in my inbox, I’m an awful person for not responding yet, but I will and when I do it’ll be worth your while I do hope!

  3. Hello again. I read more from your blog and I have some questions. You mentioned that your medicine is expensive. Well, what about a generic form? They cost less. You mentioned about a doctor that you miss. Is he treating you? Good ones are hard to find. I see you’re studying psychology. That’s a good field. As far as weight is concerned, are you trying to lose? You can rent or buy a work out video. Maybe invite some of your friends over and go through the routine together. It’s good that you’re looking for work. Career Builder or hotjobs may help. It’s also good that your father gives support. Now, those who receive social security disability can work and receive benefits. It just depends on how much money they make on the job. It’s best to apply as soon as possible. And get there early. Then you may not have to wait long. I hope this information is helpful. Please let me know.

    • To answer your questions:
      I do get generic forms of my medications, I usually just refer to them by brand name in conversation. They do cost less, but still in generic form they cost hundreds. I’m on medicade right now, which has cut costs by almost 100 percent however. It’s only 4 perscriptions a month they cover though.

      My doctor literally two months ago ‘retired’ from her position and has moved to Colorado. I’m hoping that I can see another doctor at the same hospital, but I’ll figure it out.

      I am trying to lose. I’m a member of a gym with a very cheap monthly fee and was given a YMCA membership as a gift and go swimming there as well. I also have hypothyroidism however which can play a factor in how easy it is for me to lose weight.

      I haven’t checked out hotjobs, but I do like Career Builder and have my resume on there. Thanks!

      Thank you so much for the information and concern. I’ll check up on your blog and see how you are in the next couple days!

      • Hello, thank you for your response. Generic medicines are cheaper, that’s what makes them different from brand names. And can someone at your medical center refer you to another doctor? I’m glad my information has been helpful. I’ll read more from your blog in the near future.

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