Sorry for the absence

I haven’t had a pain free day in coming in on 12 years this August. I never went into remission from Lyme Disease, so I get flare ups during my Post Lyme Syndrome. That’s what they call where I’m at now. Did the heavy antibiotic treatment for a couple years, did the pills and the PICC line, graduated high school a year after all my peers, and suffered from debilitating anxiety ever since. You’d never have guessed I was a budding actress with theater, film and television training. I was a different person, someone I just don’t think it’s realistic I can ever be again.

Tonight I ache enough to keep me up and kick off my writing again. On a scale of one to ten since the diagnosis graduated from Lyme to Post Lyme, my daily pain usually stays a solid four or five. On flare up nights like tonight the pain ranges full body 7 to 8.

The past week the pain has been creeping up on me. The first fear that runs through my mind is that it means I’m officially diabetic. Diabetes killed grandpa, and in recent years it’s been a budding concern. Even if I was, with the way my insurance is now I can barely afford a doctor’s visit every three or four months let alone pay for insulin. I’m already on Metformin, but that’s thankfully affordable.

Second fear is that I’m lactose intolerant, a much lesser concern. Or maybe it’s because I’m in constant contact with my phone and it’s radiation poisoning.

In the end, due to my paranoia I googled “chronic muscle pain.” You figure when you have your Lyme under control 90 percent of the time that very painful ten percent has to be because of something else, but even the article I read said this,

” Sometimes chronic Lyme disease can be the cause of constant body aches. With symptoms such as marked fatigue, severe headache, widespread musculoskeletal pain, tender points in characteristic locations, pain and stiffness in many joints, impairment of sensation, difficulty with concentration, memory loss, and sleep disturbances, it is remarkably similar to that of fibromyalgia and CFS.”

Back when I was diagnosed nobody talked about Lyme Disease. At least now there’s some attention drawn to it. It was a doozy to diagnose.

The paragraph made me smile sadly reminding me about why I can’t concentrate, retain memories, and have terrible sleep. How am I supposed to hit the gym in so much discomfort?

Aside from my physical difficulties I’ve been isolated emotionally dealing with some depression. Chris, whose back in the picture, and my immediate family are the only people I’ve paid much attention to the past month. The guilt of virtually ignoring everyone else is overwhelming and feeds the urge to isolate further to avoid confrontation after my absence. I even fell away from you, WordPress family, and that guilt has gotten me too.

But hey, life really isn’t that bad. I could be a lot worse off. Just have to take it a minute at a time, and hope for the best.

8 thoughts on “Sorry for the absence

  1. Well you know, you sound a heap better than you usually do, really. You sound great. :0) Hope you’re feeling better soon. I (finally) graduated, by the way. Got the entire summer off (woohoo!) and am gearing up for my B.S. in Criminal Justice in August. I haven’t seen my bra in days and I couldn’t be happier. Haa… xo

  2. hey! glad too see you blogging again! I know where you’re coming from with the paranoia over illnesses. I still struggle with that a lot. With my panic and anxiety making me scared all the time i get really.. like…. whats wrong? it has to be something other than anxiety! maybe my heart is racing because I’m going to have a heart attack or my cholesterol is clogging. or maybe I’m tired because of chronic fatigue….. but I’ve found the more i focus on whats wrong the more i forget to live my day and the only way to break this cycle is to go against EVERYTHING we know and just stop caring

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