It took 17 songs (and 3 highways) to get from the depths of the city where I’m dogsitting to my destination suburb where class was. Dr. Clay greeted me kindly and I could feel myself blush. He’s got the greatest personality and the sweetest heart. Over my day hospital adventure he was accommodating and kind. I’ve only got 2 more classes with him and I’m going to miss him.
Since it turned summer (we skip spring and fall in Chicago) I’ve been enjoying the night with the owls, singing at the top of my lungs with the windows down and dancing in the driver’s seat. It’s more than I HAVE been dancing since I gained weight last year and Chris encouraged me not to dance because it’s embarrassing for fat people to dance. I remember going to concerts with him and swaying WISHING things were the year before when I could completely get down and it was sexy.
I think I’m going to apply for disability. My dad is giving me his support which is a big deal. It’s been something I’ve thought about for at least a year. I hear they’ll turn me down at least 3 times, but I’m willing to keep re applying. The only thing I heard that’s odd is that once I have disability I’ll never be able to get a job because I’ll be on disability. That doesn’t sound right to me.
I wonder if Chris is back in town. He sent me a snapchat of his packed suitcase about a week ago, that was the last I’d “heard” from him. I assume if he is home he’s living it up blowing money at bars with his brothers and friends before he goes back to work. Everywhere I go I carry some extra degree of anxiety thinking he’s spotted me and is judging from afar. Then I wonder what part of the city he’ll move into. What will his life be like? How happy will he be to stumble into his apartment with a new girl fumbling to lock the door?
I remember the day I got him his job. We were discussing what he could do and searching indeed.com on my phone when I had the idea maybe he could work for my friend Lucy’s company. I texted her and we got things rolling, she was doing me the favor. It was warm out and Chris and I were lounging on a green blanket at the forest preserve. I took a picture laying on my stomach of the mountains of the blanket against the grass and sky. Not the artsiest picture, but one I can remember clearly to this day.
It upsets me that he had”requests” for his terms of getting his job back after his time out of state for the winter. It wouldn’t have bothered me and I do at the end of the day want him to be more comfortable and work more reasonable hours…but even Lucy told me she thought it was kind of rude he didn’t talk to her for months and that’s what he had to say to her after all that time. She thought they were at least friend’s. It pissed me off that that’s how she ended up feeling. You could at least fake a friendly “how are you” a week before it sounds like you’re making demands.
In the end, shouldn’t matter to me anyway about Chris. He has no interest in any kind of relationship with me. I say to myself I should stop being nostalgic over memories that pop up as I see or smell things in everyday life, but, I’m sentimental. I could be bitter and tell everyone he was a waste of time, but that’s not how I feel. I’m just sad all that laughing, adventuring, intimacy is gone.
This is a phone blog post so it’ll be a little before I can reply to comments until the weekend. I don’t have a Wi-Fi password here so no laptop. Bleh.