It doesn’t have to be a snowman…

Welp, I messaged Chris on facebook, asking him how his day was because how more neutrally can you strike up a conversation with someone you haven’t talked to in months? Aaaaannnnd he asked if it was a good idea for us to be communicating. So I said ‘Who knows. Guess we won’t tonight.” And that’s that. Serious sadness. Farewell to that relationship probably forever considering that response. His loss, right?

The equivalent of going up to the door as Ana from Frozen and asking, “Do you want to build a snowman?” “Okay, bye…” (By the way, that song, completely made me want to cry. It’s a prime example of why I hate children/family movies, they squeeze your emotions out VERY well). To make matters worse, when I was watching the movie with Izzy and the kids last week I couldn’t help but remember when Chris and I saw Tangled and we were shocked and pleasantly surprised, one of the few people in the really old, small theater with uncomfortable chairs…I really cherish that memory. Makes my eyes watery recalling it every time the way things are now.

If that thought weighed my head down, what turns my frown around is that it turns out that test that I was so unsure of and then ended up finishing first and feeling good about last week, I got a 49/50 on. What a great feeling in the midst of feeling anxious and depressed as EFF.

Tuesday is now over so three more official days with the dogs. My sleep schedule has gone completely to hell. Bedtime has been around 8-9am while watching mind numbing TV. My Seroquel used to put me out light a light within an hour or two the longest and now it doesn’t do a thing for me. I’ve got so much anxiety balled up about calling the doctor though that it’s fueling the fire inside. The vicious icy blue fire that freezes and I have a hard time controlling. (Like Elsa! I guess maybe I should re-name this post, ‘Let it Go’ considering all the messages so far).

I never even fished watching Frozen yet. The kids were awful last week and I turned the movie off. Just a sample of my depressed persons world is having my heart sink the first quarter of that movie with all the depressing stuff that happens (which is, to be expected, typical Disney recipe for plot building). I think the worst part is that entire growing up, “Do you want to build a snowman?” song that I referenced a couple paragraphs ago. Izzy, whose 5, kept looking over at my facial expressions and worriedly would say things like, “it’s still a good movie!”

My family called today to check on me this morning and I was in such a slump it was WORK to talk to them. I wanted to spend the time on the phone but when they were asking me how I was feeling it wasn’t what anyone wanted to hear. Depressed, tired, my chest and stomach hurt (“probably stress” – mom) and I just don’t ‘feel good’. My dad helped me out a LOT with the assignment I needed to turn in today which I REALLY appreciate. I’ve been more connected with the family emotionally since adult day hospital began, one of the good things that came of it. I just hate letting them down, I’m more honest with them about how I’m feeling than I am with my close friends and I like to think I’m pretty honest about how I’m feeling, perhaps I just tend to be in my rawest form when I tell my family I’m emotionally not feeling well, and they can pick up on it whether or not I say anything.

“Do you wanna build a snowman?
Come on lets go and play
I never see you anymore
Come out the door
It’s like you’ve gone away-
We used to be best buddies
And now we’re not
I wish you would tell me why!-
Do you wanna build a snowman?
It doesn’t have to be a snowman…”

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23 thoughts on “It doesn’t have to be a snowman…

  1. Thanks for the “like” on one if my posts; it brought me to your blog. I read a few of your posts just now and felt inclined to comment, because I can see that you, too, are going through a break up… Tough times, eh? I ended my relationship with my first boyfriend whom I loved just last month. The day we said goodbye was the hardest day of my life. And the month to follow? Wow, never had I imagined such pain and heartache. You can probably relate that it’s literally like someone gutted your heart right out of your chest, tore apart a big chunk, and then shoved the remainder back into your chest. I was a walking rain cloud, unpredictably crying at any given moment. The thing is, I don’t let people too close to my heart, but when I do, it’s serious business. I just can’t be half-assed about it. More the reason why the breakup impacted me quite hard.

    BUT (there is ALWAYS a but in an unfair situation), it’s been a month for me now, and I am finally starting to get excited about life. For whatever the reason for your breakup, things didn’t work out because you two just weren’t right for each other. And, right after a breakup, you’re going to see the past with rose-colored glasses. It’s only natural that you look at the great memories you shared. But remember the reasons why you broke up. It just wasn’t a perfect match and you were probably stressing over it too. It’s annoying to hear everyone say time heals everything, but it really does. What really helped me was I took a week off of work and went on a mini vacation (visited my sister in a different city) for a week. It helped me so much because it broke my routine life. When I came back, I started seeing everything with a fresh perspective.

    Good luck and be strong.

    • Tough times indeed…All those emotions you included there I can relate to and right now my heart is feeling hung over still. It’s been a little over a month for me but I’ve been isolating myself, I’m bipolar as well, so it makes things a little more difficult in emotions land. That mini vacation you took sounds like something I would VERY much like to do. I hope that I can start looking at things with a fresher perspective than I have been very soon. Your words are super encouraging. So thank you.

  2. Thank you for your like. I love your blog- I think we may have a bit in common. It’s always nice to know there’s someone else out there who can relate. My son has adhd and it’s a huge part of my life and how it dictates what goes on over here. I don’t write about that but I do understand some of your struggles. I hope to comisterate with you again 🙂

  3. You are so much stronger than you give yourself credit for, just the simple fact that you reached out to your ex was beyond brave. If he doesn’t want to be with you that is his loss, because from what I can tell you are a great person.
    As far as your family goes, they are always going to be there for you, and you aren’t letting them down at all. I feel that way a lot with my struggles with depression and anxiety, when I tell my parents how I’m feeling I always feel so embarrassed and almost like I’m not living up to their standards. But they are always there for me, and I know they love me and your parents love you. My mom also had panic attacks so I know she understands how I’m feeling, I just wish there was no such thing as mental illness. My life would be so much easier without anxiety, but at times its that anxiety and ocd that makes me work harder and do better than most people would. You seem to be the same way.
    Nice job on the text btw!

    • That is SO SWEET to hear. I feel so isolated and depressed about the whole thing especially now that he’s going to be only a few miles away from me again coming back to Chicago I swear all of my feelings are just cluttered and one of the things I feel furthest from is brave. You seem like a great person too. Which makes what you have to say all the more meaningful. I know EXACTLY what you mean about telling your parents how your’e feeling so embarrassed and almost like you’re not living up to their standards. I’ve said similar things, even recently. I wish there was no such thing as mental illness too. It’s rougher than someone without it can imagine for sure..

  4. I wanted to let you know that I have nominated you for the Liebster Award because I love following your blog and think you deserve a lot of recognition. Please check out my post below to see the rules or how Leibster works, who else I nominated and (if you don’t know what Leibster is, find out what it is!) If you have already been nominated by someone else, please just know I admire you and keep your posts coming! Thanks so much!!

    http://livingwithanxietyandpanicdisorder.com/2014/04/11/ive-been-nominated-for-the-liebster-award/

  5. I haven’t seen that movie yet…and someone told me I’d cry…not sure I want to see it now. the want to build a snowman…OMGosh that just made me so sad.

    Even if it’s not a goodbye forever with Chris, it might be best to think of it that way. You are raw right now, and opening yourself up so emotionally to someone who might not be receptive right now, could really injure you. I’m sorry, I know it’s so very difficult. I know when you read what he said, it cut to the bone. Don’t torture yourself. I promise it makes it worse. you know I speak from experience.

    You need to find some new ways to spend some of your time. the same people, the same things….do something different. Make a list of things you’d like to do. A walk in the park? a museum? a good book you’ve been meaning to read? Taking that book and sitting in a new coffee shop you’ve never visited?

    I have an assignment for you. Smile at everyone you see. See how many smile back. I just kind of keep that smile on my face the whole time I’m out now….if possible. I love to see people surprised that you smiled. Or spoke a kind word….opened the door for someone. Asked a cashier how her day is….not just that general…”how are you?” but a real….has it been very busy? a long day? People treat so many people like they just don’t exist. We often just don’t think about it, we are in our own minds. Reach out of your mind….and help someone else have a better day. I’ve had someone do the slightest, nice thing for me on a bad day, and it has stayed with me all day.
    I promise, the more you do it, the better it feels, and the more it just may happen to you.
    I’ve even made friends this way.

    Just a thought. Life seems to be just too much blah, every day. I think it’s time we both made the day a little bit brighter. If not for us, then for someone else. If I give compassion and just niceness to someone else….I feel better. And Karma will come and get you. : )

    (and yes, I did these things when I lived alone and had decided most of my relationships were not good for me….I had to have human interaction, some at all! And this made me feel better.) Libraries always make me feel better too. I’ve made a few friends at the library. It’s great to get to know people who are interested in the same things you are….”oh I’ve read that book…you will not be disappointed!” starts a great conversation.

    I’m very proud of you for getting closer to your family through all of this. Really VERY proud!!!

    hugs to you my dear.
    I’m having a hard time with vertigo lately, so I’m not as on line as often as normal.

    Having a little pep talk to myself today…..hope you don’t mind if I shared it with you.
    peace to you

    • I will get to your e-mail shortly! I had a long week and was braindead by the weekend, now that it’s over I’m starting to feel a little calmer and clear headed. I’ve been trying SO hard not to torture myself, but accidentally stumbling upon his facebook comments today totttttttttttally ripped me apart. Then I spun it around and got negative on myself, can’t say I’ve snapped out of it yet. Even the being hard on myself thing at the least. The netflix marathon is something on the list of things I’d like to do. Now that it’s Spring there’s a ton more I’d like to do. The weather is really healing too right now. I’d love to take a book to a coffee shop, but it gives me too much anxiety, ha! All the eyes on me, or thinking how they’re just waiting to get me out of there, or going to tell me to get out, ulch! However many horrible things the mind can think of, THATS the amount I have even THINKING of going to a coffee shop, but how I’d love to if I could re-train my brain.

      I’ve been smiling at people, but pretty much just turning away immediately after and turning purple. But that’s a start right? I used to be super paranoid about karma because I’m OCD, it was one of my obessive thoughts that would pop up and I would be paranoid of ANYTHING I did, but I do think better about it now, and thinking about NICENESS coming back around, is a good feeling.

      Sorry it always takes me so long to get back to you 😦

      I used to LOVE the library. This summer it’s on the list of places to go to relax. Thank you for being proud of me 🙂 I like you a lot and both want to keep up you liking me (as is the same thing as what I just blogged about with ‘saying goodbye’ ulch, so good and bad there) and am very honored when you have nice things to say to send my way.

      I love it when you share pep talks with me! Please continue to!

  6. Hey, thanks for stopping by my blog. As you would have seen by my video post I too am Bipolar and take Seroquel along with a heap of others. Lol
    I broke up with my husband of 16 years last April. Even though I was the one to leave it was still incredibly hard and frightening to go it alone. But I believe everything happens for a reason, even the crappy stuff! It’s hard to accept but time is a great healer and in the end you too will come out of this a lot stronger than you think.
    Thinking of you, hugs Paula xxx

  7. Thank you for your ”like” on my Trying to Cope with Reality blog. I’m always happy when others relate to my work. Sometimes, we just don’t feel well. And other times, it’s something else.

  8. keep going- I know from personal experience there is light at the end of the tunnel- even though there can be brief power cuts from time to time.

    I’ve found recovery by changing my diet , lifestyle and attitude- it has taken me two years to turn 180 degrees. I’m hoping it won’t take me that long to turn the next 180 required for complete turnaround. I have minor relapses but overall my life is a lot better. I found help from watching the lectures of psychologist Steve Ilardi- this one is eye opening- the simple things really can work: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8bnniNxqB4w&noredirect=1

    I pray you stay well

    • Changing my diet has always been the hardest part. Even CBT has helped me change more attitude and thought processes more easily than changing my diet. I will look into Steve’s work this weekend and visit your blog as well. I pray for you too. Hopefully you’re PARTICULARLY well today!

  9. Clever blog i.d., barbieq. My adult daughter told me to watch Frozen, and I did, and I saw why she had viewed it about 15 times. You’re so right about Disney, 15 minutes in, I was doing the “ugly cry”. It opened up a lot of dialog for us, we share a form of BPD. Thanks for the like, I hope you are feeling better these days.

  10. I feel for you. The only interaction I can deal with is my mum and my dogs. This is why I have no intention to marry or have kids at the moment as I really would not react well to the stress.
    I am comming off Seroquel & Lithium and going onto Olanzapine but it is a very slow process and I am struggling slightly at the moment but I am hopeful it will improve my life and my ability to deal with people.
    Break ups suck, break ups when you have a mood disorder are an absolute nightmare.
    I know you will get over it, even though it may be an up hill battle, and my heart goes out to you.

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