Environment affects anxiety and though I’m away from home where everyone’s anxiety is always out in the open and fighting for space in the air, I’m at Lane’s dog sitting for a WEEK. I packed my bags and waddled into the apartment after I miraculously found a parking spot and I’ve yet to leave my spot until I darn near have to. Along in my bag snuck my anxiety, padded between my clean clothes. It’s unpacked itself since, and has taken full advantage of not having to compete with other anxieties in the house for space. It’s taken it all!
While I’ve been alone with my thoughts, I’ve learned that my anxiety is really LOUD lately, like a 14 year old with a lot of attitude. “Oh you’re going to totally blow this social psych assignment.” “Chris is totally done and over even the THOUGHT of you. When he comes home he’s not going to want anything to do with you and your relationship will never be the same, loser.” “You’re starting to isolate again, you should get out of it but umm yeah let’s make sure you can’t focus on anything so you can’t have a conversation and in turn not want to have one.” Thoughts GONE WILD!
Speaking of things going wild, I’ve been alternating MTV and forensic documentaries depending on the time of day and what’s on. I’m likely to break the habit as soon as I leave here, but there’s not much to do aside from homework, sleep and TV here. I told my friend David I liked the WWE finally thanks to watching a show called, “Total Divas” which was about all these WWE wrestling girls. He’s a big fan of the WWE and I’ve always groaned and rolled my eyes at it. Now we can both share a laugh. Danny Brown has also made his way to MTV. I think of Chris because we were big fans at one point, even saw him at a festival once. Of course, he never got back to my last text.
I’m trying to watch my breathing. Every time I catch the anxiety balling up in the pit of my stomach and my thoughts racing I look around. There’s this coping mechanism you’re supposed to use where you look at 5 things, hear 4 things, smell 3 things, touch 2 things and taste one thing. I usually use this as a loose guideline. “Let me think about where I am in the here and now. I’m in Lane’s living room, I’m on the couch, the couch is big and comfy, it smells like…dogs, I’m touching my tongue to the inside of my cheek and I have the lingering taste of Dr. Pepper in my mouth…okay breathe…” It’s usually something like that. I’m not a pro at grounding but I’m surely doing my work.
One last thing that’s a little amusing is that on Lane’s bookshelf he’s got the Karma Sutra 4 or 5 books away from a book titled Codependance. A-ma-zing.