I’m on my phone swyping this post away because I feel like I’m going to explode. It’s the first day since before day hospital started that I felt this physically ill from heartache. I’ve been out of control depressed all day and night and my heart? I thought I was having a heart attack or stroke. What else could have me feeling so poisoned?
Can’t afford a therapist because of insurance? Get ready to go downhill! That’s just about how it feels right now, and even if I got some super cheap therapist I’d probably be getting what I’d be paying for. My relationship with Michael was so strong knowing it’s virtually dead because of insurance is just as harsh as my feelings about Chris.
Just kidding. Those are worse. He’s due back in Chicago this month and we haven’t spoken for a month. He infiltrates all of my dreams and makes them horrible.
I have all this self hate today graduated to crying in the school parking lot avoiding looking up. I pretty much ate back all the weight I lost last month from stress about Chris coming back and ironically it makes me hate myself more because I wanted to be thin and flawless and woo him back superficially.
If he missed the actual me he’d have reached out by now. There’s no going back. It’s been a while since I wished I was dead but I have such a bleak outlet of the future it’s really astonishing.
Now I have about 30 minutes to force myself to stop crying, walk into class looking like I WASN’T just bawling my eye out, and do mediocre on this test because I am just not mentally tuned in to the test taking channel.