Heartache harbor

I’m on my phone swyping this post away because I feel like I’m going to explode. It’s the first day since before day hospital started that I felt this physically ill from heartache. I’ve been out of control depressed all day and night and my heart? I thought I was having a heart attack or stroke. What else could have me feeling so poisoned?

Can’t afford a therapist because of insurance? Get ready to go downhill! That’s just about how it feels right now, and even if I got some super cheap therapist I’d probably be getting what I’d be paying for. My relationship with Michael was so strong knowing it’s virtually dead because of insurance is just as harsh as my feelings about Chris.

Just kidding. Those are worse. He’s due back in Chicago this month and we haven’t spoken for a month. He infiltrates all of my dreams and makes them horrible.

I have all this self hate today graduated to crying in the school parking lot avoiding looking up. I pretty much ate back all the weight I lost last month from stress about Chris coming back and ironically it makes me hate myself more because I wanted to be thin and flawless and woo him back superficially.

If he missed the actual me he’d have reached out by now. There’s no going back. It’s been a while since I wished I was dead but I have such a bleak outlet of the future it’s really astonishing.

Now I have about 30 minutes to force myself to stop crying, walk into class looking like I WASN’T just bawling my eye out, and do mediocre on this test because I am just not mentally tuned in to the test taking channel.

14 thoughts on “Heartache harbor

  1. I didn’t hit ‘like’ because I like the space you are in, I hit it because I understand the part of how your mind is controlling your thoughts and making the world so hard for you. I don’t like that part either. The part I like is that you are capable of putting into words how you feel and how hopeless everything seems. It makes me so angry about what’s going on with the insurance and affordability of mental health care. Know that a lot of us care and wish we could help take away the hurt.

    • Thank you so much. When I go into practice (I’m in school for psychology and want to go to grad school for social work if I can) I’m going to work privately but with a sliding scale so that I can see everyone who can’t get time with a therapist otherwise. As long as I can still pay my bills that’s just what I want to do and they’ll be getting MORE than they pay for. I can only guarantee that on my own part, unfortunately from experience, you DO get what you pay for…

  2. I’m so sorry to hear you’re this distressed. Be kind to yourself. Be gentle with your self-talk. Sometimes reading about Buddhism helps me feel better when the depression hits.

    • You’re absolutely right. I need to be kind with myself. It was hard but I finally managed to do a little bit of that tonight. I’ll look into Buddhism. If you know any really good books I’m open to them. I need something fresh on my nook.

  3. I completely understand how you are feeling, I was going through the same thing tonight, and the only thing that pulled me out of my panic attack was a call to my mom. Sometimes the best therapy doesn’t come from a doctor but from within. Just getting your feelings out whether they are good or bad is going to help. If you ever need to talk feel free to hit me up, it looks like we have a lot in common. Not sure if that is good or bad but some support is better than no support.
    BTW kick ass on that test!

  4. oh man, I TOTALLY know those days. That feeling of a giant boulder crushing down on your chest. So bad where it gets hard to breathe. I totally feel ya on that pain!
    Next time ya get sad,

    Semetimes people can be pretty awesome

  5. Honey, I wish I had read these posts before I replied to your email. I haven’t been in the greatest feelings lately either. Part psych, and part physical.. You know.
    But you need to dump on me about Chris. And hey, I know losing your therapist is tragic…really I do…lost my psych doc of 12 years this past year…so yep, I understand. He moved and left me, great for someone with abandonment issues huh?
    I used to use the low income therapist…and I was really lucky. I always seemed to get people who just got started so they weren’t jaded yet. That was better.
    You can always talk to me. I will email you my phone number….you know I can’t talk, but I can text…as we talked about. well kind of talked. Not that I can’t talk…I just can’t hear! : )
    Maybe soon. I’m learning how to understand my bluetooth hooked up to my cochlear implants. It’s crazy to hear words just in your head. But it’s too mixed up so far.

    we can also IM…on gmail or facebook.

    No I’m not a therapist. I won’t pretend to be. I have had a long journey I can share. And I’ve taken a lot of psych courses. I was going to be an art therapist. But ran out of financial aid, so just have my degree in art. I can listen. I promise I will never judge.

    You are worth it. I just feel goodness come off the pages when I read what you say. Believe it…and grow with it. Like I often say….Life may not be what I expected….so I’ll change my expectations (as many times as necessary) or just stop expecting things. Nothing is permanent. Everything is changing. Oh…sorry, I sound like my Buddhist teachings I’ve been studying. Hey, it has helped me, and that’s what counts right? but I won’t ever tell anyone what to believe. I’m just really open, and question everything…that’s encouraged in Buddhism. Don’t believe from faith…question everything. I don’t have faith in much, I’ve been too disappointed too much.

    Oh…the dark side is talking. Not good for you or me huh? I’ll see my doc tomorrow, I’ll let you know how the cocktail is changing.

    I’m proud of you for telling your parents. You are not a failure, and they love you…at least it sure sounded that way. Your illness caused you to have a blip in your plans. You didn’t do it. As a friend of mine’s therapist told her….I’m sure in response to something silly my friend said….”you are not crazy, your illness is” Remember bipolar is a medical condition. You didn’t choose it, you didn’t do anything to cause it….it simply is. It’s genetic. Yeah, your parents gave it to you. (one reason I decided not to have children) But I did plan to adopt, if I hadn’t gotten ill from my health.

    rambling. sorry.
    talk soon.
    Congrats on the test scores!!
    You are doing great.
    love and light to you my dear.

    • I’ll dump on you about Chris soon. Today is suuuuuuuuuuuuuuch a bad day to because the more I think about him I think the more I’ll fall apart. Next e-mail when it’s my turn I will hows that! GOD it’s a lot of story and a lot more heartache. I think I told you a little about him in the e-mail I JUST sent. I promise I’ll never judge either. It’s hard to explain to OTHER people that bipolar is a MEDICAL condition. Thank you for the encouragement πŸ™‚ Time to pop on your blog since I’m on a writing streak right now. I just got home from my 7.5 days of dogsitting (total isolation).

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