In goals group we fill out our purple medication sheets to make sure we’re all taking our meds properly and haven’t fallen since the last time we filled out the form, and on MONDAYS we fill out a yellow sheet on which we record our progress as well as what we’d like to work on, our satisfaction and dissatisfaction with the program, read them, and get feedback from the rest of the group. We read the yellow sheets in the Psych Ed time slot (the third group of the day) which makes Monday’s the best day of the week for that time slot because every other day Psych Ed is pretty boring. This weeks theme is assertiveness and boundaries, which I can use some sharpening of my skills on however.
This is officially my last week of the program (Day Hospital) and I’m both relieved and saddened. I take night classes so I DON’T have to wake up at 7:30am on the regular, but doing so has also led to some positive structure in my days. During my down time I’ve had a habit of sleeping every moment available which could be hours at a time, sometimes oversleeping and missing out on important events. Sleeping is the easiest escape any anxious or depressed person can depend on unless you’re going through a bout of insomnia like some of my group members were talking about earlier today. The only time I ever really have a problem making it to bed is when I’m manic, and that’s under control for now.
Marlene can’t sleep though. Marlene is stuck. She’s 61 and had her first manic episode a little over a month ago. She was admitted to Day Hospital the same day I was. She was really quiet the first couple weeks but then started to participate in small group psychotherapy and does a LOT of crying, more than I’d like to see anyone do. She just feels hopeless, she’s not coping with the fact she’s got bipolar disorder particularly so late in life and she has to take pills everyday and she feels so overwhelmed by everything she feels she has to do as well as compares herself to everyone else from people on the street to television stars. She’s been stuck in her rut the entire five weeks I’ve been in the program and no matter how much support we seem to give her and all the ideas we try to blossom for her she seems to think she’s too weak to implement any of it, and therefore…she doesn’t. And it’s hard to see, because we all just want to see each other get better.
Robin (from group) finally got her hearing aid over the weekend so she’s been living up being able to hear everyone. She’s got a mass in her skull that’s pressing on her brain and has one of her ears 100% deaf and the other, which has the aid, was 60% deaf, but is now getting some amplification.
After my meltdown last week in group after the bad news I got from Suzanne about Taz’s accidents in the upstairs bedroom I thought nothing could possibly get worse, then I got to school on Saturday and checked my e-mail.
To preface the story, I had missed the prior Saturday’s class because my medication was making me physically ill, so I got a doctor’s note, a note from one of the staff in the program, told my professor in an e-mail that day that I would get said notes and provide them on the coming Saturday of class and sent her the powerpoint presentation I was supposed to have presented that day. I checked my e-mail every day over the course of the week expecting to hear back from her and on this past Saturday, as I sat down in class and turned on the computer to check my e-mail I saw she had responded an hour earlier. No one else was in the room yet, so I left right after reading it.
It read that she would not accept my presentation NOR my doctors note, and thus giving me a 0 for the assignment the highest grade I would be able to receive in her class was a D meaning that I’ve failed out of the class. (And basically, no graduation in the Spring for me) She said that both heads of the department both got a copy of the e-mail she was sending as well as agreed with her on her decision. She told me to withdraw. I was shocked, in denial, I don’t know what I was feeling but my heart was surely racing and I didn’t know what else to do, so I went back to Lisa’s house (where I was babysitting the night before and slept over because it was closer to school than my house) and told them the situation. Both Lisa and Tony (her husband) were livid and thought it was an extreme abuse of power and that it was an unwarranted judgement and told me I should and CAN fight it, so I will. I’ll take it to the dean since the head of the department seems to think that this professor made a brilliant decision…
At least I had somewhere supportive to go when that happened, and the kids were glowing when I came back. I had spent Thursday babysitting them, then came back Friday, stayed overnight and around 2am the five year old came downstairs and wanted to sleep on the couch with me, so we cuddled and it was adorable. Those kids love me and let me know it too. I’ve been helping raise them since they were tiny things and I feel like they’re my babies too. I know they’ll take care of me when I’m old, as long as our bond continues to grow which I’m sure it will. That entire family sees me as family too and vice versa.
Everyone in small group was very supportive of my decision to fight the judgement I received and both my friends Marissa and Lucy pointed out over the course of the weekend how far I’ve come and how proud they were that I handled this situation in such a calm way, because a month ago I would have broken down and not known what to do with myself, but now here I am facing big girl issues and kicking their ass. Group really has helped with a lot.
Today is my last day tutoring which will be a HUGE burden off my shoulders. I quit for my own health and for the fact that I was making pennies on the hour of what I should have been making, and it’s not worth my time to do it anymore. So here I am making progress in my life. Baby steps.
Rank my mood today 1-100: 60
Feeling Physically?: Tired.
And emotionally?: Hopeful, grateful, scared, frustrated, angry, impatient, sad and anxious.
Just your average day.