A Rough Day

I spent the weekend dog-sitting for a dog I’ve been taking care of the better part of a decade. He’s my soul mate, I love him, no other dog will ever be Taz. Now he’s 11 and a half and has cancer. It was a shock for all of us. From the 5th to the 9th he was my responsibility. I kept him in my sight every moment that I was awake. I called the vet when he started having accidents in the kitchen and she said that if he’s still himself that there’s probably not a problem, and to feed him rice with dinner. So I did. And he was his loving, energetic self all week. The accidents even stopped happening.

Then I get a message this morning with a picture of the upstairs bedroom with pools of poop, some dried over, some puke stains. Obviously he was not okay. The woman who owns the dog messaged me the picture and said she didn’t understand how I could let that happen, she was upset, and even after I told her I didn’t smell anything, and he was downstairs with me every moment I was awake, she still said, “I don’t know what to say.” and that she had to take care of Taz.

I got these messages while I was in small group psychotherapy during Day Hospital and I lost it. We were talking about Galaxia’s relationship troubles and suddenly I started bawling my eyes out. We stopped and focused on me. I told them what happened, I held Marissa’s hand who was sitting next to me. Galaxia grabbed the tissues and sat next to me, rubbing my back, someone got me water, Michael got me an ice pack and I stared only at him while he talked me down. I couldn’t stay in the moment and he wanted to ground me. He told me to feel the cold of the ice pack, squeeze Marissa’s hand, feel Galaxia rubbing my back, and BREATHE which was the hardest part.

Eventually I calmed down, but I told everyone how guilty and miserable I felt and how it was all my fault. Everyone was overwhelmingly supportive and talked about how the woman is speaking emotionally right now and the dog is sick, sometimes animals hide things like that when they’re sick. Eventually I just exhausted myself. I had wished that the woman could have seen me go off like a bomb so she’d know how sorry I was and maybe she’d be a little less critical of me, but that’s out of my control.

This is my last week of Day Hospital. I’m doing my work to get better, I’m taking it a day at a time, and I think I’m probably ready to go. However, today was a major setback to how I was feeling. I took a long nap when I got home which left me feeling rested, and I got on Pintrest to pass the time. I did some homework, I worried about my school situation, I ate pesto pasta. Soon it’ll be time to take my Seroquel and go back to sleep, I’m looking forward to group tomorrow, always do.

13 thoughts on “A Rough Day

  1. I’m so sorry she blamed you. You didn’t deserve that. It’s not your fault at all! I used to work in a daycare and people would blame me for their kids problems, and I know how it feels to be blamed for something that you clearly had no control over and then somehow your brain takes over and convinces you that you did something wrong. But you didn’t. Please don’t beat yourself up. It’s wasn’t your fault.

  2. Oh my dear, it’s so hard when someone lashes out when they are so emotionally involved and can’t see past the moment. I hope when she talks to the vet and finds out how attentive you were, how you called the vet with worry, that she will understand that her darling furry baby was hiding his hurt from you. He loves you too much. Plus, animals do hide that kind of thing, especially dogs. They are by nature pack animals, and to show weakness to the pack is something that is not done.

    I lost my dog of 19 years 2 years ago, and I still grieve for her every day. I understand how deeply you can feel about an animal, as you obviously do Taz. Sandy also had cancer, bladder cancer, there were a few times I had to leave her with a pet sitter, normally just over night…but I knew if something happened that she would not be responsible. I know she loved Sandy very much, heck, everyone loved Sandy. I truly hope Taz’s owner can remember how much you love him, and that you would have done everything in your power to help him had you known.

    Even if she can never see this, know in your heart that Taz loves you, and loved you enough to not want to burden you with what he is going through. Also know, that this is NOT your fault. You did everything in your power to keep him safe, and loved. (everyone has to sleep my dear).

    Keep working on you. It’s worth it. I know this is a very hard thing to deal with, and a set back, but know you aren’t alone. You do have a support group. When you leave Day Treatment, do you have support you can call on if needed.

    if you ever need to talk….I know you don’t know me, you’ve only just read a post of mine…but I’m a great listener. I really do “get it”.

    best to you…and dear Taz.
    wendy

    • For some reason I only saw your message NOW rather than when you posted it, but God am I grateful to have read it. It’s insightful it’s kind and it’s empowering to know someone is thinking of you and understands your feelings. I’m sorry about Sandy 😦 Dogs are like children in my opinion. I have a plan to reach out to Suzanne in a couple weeks and ask her how Taz is, just very simply, and see what happens. Thank you for the open door for support, likewise I’m always around too.

      • I think it’s a great idea to politely reach out and just ask about Taz, but don’t expect too much. As i often try to tell myself, Be prepared for the worst and hope for the best. it doesn’t always work, but I try.
        Remember too, that you have no idea what has been going on with Taz, are you in good standing with his vet, could you check on how he’s doing before writing? If he’s not doing well, she may appreciate the fact that you took the time to find out and reached out to her about it.
        She may be very embarrassed by how she reacted, but then again, it is her baby and when they are hurting it can make you very narrowly focused….and feel very alone, even when you aren’t. My husband has also been grieving about Sandy but I simply couldn’t see it, he doesn’t show his emotions as much as I do, and she was my dog first…so I always felt she was my dog. But she was ours. I was too focused on her and how I felt about it…and the guilt that I couldn’t help her.
        I do understand how you feel. and I can understand how she feels. I don’t think it was right for her to blame you, but as I said, you lose focus when you are in that kind of situation.
        Peace to you my dear.
        wendy

  3. This is my first trip to your blogs. Although I’m not bipolor, I’ve written a book about someone who is bipolar. I’ve tried to become familiar with her feelings which I assume are a bit like yours. I was diagnosed as haveing PTSD brouight on by memories of childhood sexual abuse. I take meds and have gone through longterm therapy but feel that I am in a good place. My misery can’t compare with what you have and continue to endure. But I’ve tasted enough hard times that I can empathize with your situation. Feel free to contact me at any time. authorllfranklin.com

  4. Hang in there. You did a good thing taking care of the dog. Sick dogs make messes. Tell your friend to clean it up and move on. You didn’t let the dog make a mess on purpose.

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