I am now on half days, which means I don’t come back after lunch for the afternoon hour. That works well for me this week because I overbooked myself and have little spare time. One thing that came up in therapy is that I have a problem saying “no” and that’s what usually gets me into these situations.
Good news to share! My case manager Michael would love to take me on as a private client once I’ve graduated from day hospital. He only has a private practice on Saturdays and I’ll be squeaking in filling his calendar to capacity. He is by far the most stand up guy I know and for someone like him to believe in me and like me enough to fit me in his busy schedule makes me feel like a winner.
Another accomplishment is that I said hi to Paranoid Lisa and she didn’t freak out. In fact she’s been smiling at me. There are two Lisa’s. Violently Depressed Lisa and Paranoid Lisa. An example of such paranoia is when she went out for a cigarette and yelled “WHAT ARE YOU LOOKING AT?” To a passerby.
The newest addition to Michael’s small group is Greg whose social anxiety and insecurities have made him the only person in group I can’t make smile or friends with. It makes me self conscious about how to hold a conversation with the guy. Why does that bother me? Let’s be curious about that (as Michael would say). Michael is a particularly curious therapist.
What conclusion I’ve drawn if he won’t open up to me is that there’s something inherently wrong with me, I’m not worth being friends with or to be loved and I will never be accepted by a man again. These are obviously cognitive distortions that can and should be reframed. After all, I don’t need his friendship but I do want it. An important distinction.
Overall, group has been insightful, helpful and supportive. The support just engulfs you like the warmth from the sun. I will miss everyone dearly when I leave. My discharge date is next Friday.