I guess it’s just my stupid luck

Every time I get a text notification my broken heart still skips a beat. Both fortunately and unfortunately it’s never him. I do long for the day it is though no matter how healthy my case manager seems to think it is I get some space to mourn the loss.

Rob dominated group today with talk of his anxiety and self image. He’s a dad, hitting fifty soon and for some reason that makes it harder to hear his struggles both from his childhood and as an adult. In all honesty I feel glad we were able to dedicate some time to his issues, but I really wanted to talk today. Group psychotherapy is only an hour.

Hopefully tomorrow I’ll get a turn. I’m anticipating the insurance will only cover 2 more weeks of day hospital. I’m going to soak up as much as I can from the program and continue to do all my work to make progress. Hopefully I’ll be able to see my case manager in his private practice as well leaving the program. He’s really a stand up guy. I couldn’t ask for a better man in my life right now.

And speaking of men in my life, Brian, who I gave the AA coin to has been twirling it in his fingers all the time and keeps it on him all day. He even likes the quote on it about adjusting our sails to the wind. If I wasn’t so highly medicated I’d cry tears of joy that I could do something for someone that meant that much to them.

On my way home from babysitting I started thinking about what I’ll say in goals group tomorrow morning. They ask for a mood rating number from 1 to 100 (I was a 31 earlier today), a physical feeling, an emotional feeling, a goal for in program and a goal for the evening outside of program. You also answer if you met your goal for the previous week.

The past couple days when group is over, I’ve just wanted to curl up in a ball from depression and disappear. Sleep is my go to coping mechanism. It’s scary because if I feel that way on days I’m IN day hospital how will I function when it’s over?

Thank you all for your wonderful feedback. Tomorrow when I get a chance at the computer, as opposed to my phone, I will get back to all of you. Support from this outlet is just as valuable as support from the people in group.

2 thoughts on “I guess it’s just my stupid luck

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