I’m not the killing type

But I would kill to make him feel. I’d kill to move his face an inch.

I sprinted into the bathroom after I was dressed to make sure my phone didn’t fall into the tub I was just soaking in. I almost made it through the bath in peace but then started thinking about how I’m going to phrase myself in day hospital tomorrow when I have to introduce myself and why I’m there with the rest of the messed up people. People are always supportive of divorce but I’m not divorced. I’m just in mourning that the love of my life just wants to be friends and even said to me “you don’t think there will be other women after kara?”

Just one month ago everything was just fine and now about 3 weeks later I’m destroying my last semester and desperately clinging on to sanity. It really dosent get better the first month at least. We’re supposed to have a goal for getting through the program and mine is to be able to function again.

They’re going to ask me if I WANT to be friends with him and the answer is yes…but with or without him I feel destroyed so how can I legitimately be friends with him when he’s with other women? He might settle for the next one for all I know and how can I be friends with the love of my life when he’s married? Never meet his wife? Ask him never to talk about her? Unrealistic. She’ll tell him to drop me and he will and I’ll be defeated for the last time. That’s how I see our pathetic future panning out.

I’m not even myself with him right now. And now I’m committed to this program I won’t have the chance to sleep all day but I do need to figure out how to face life again and that’s why I’m doing this. I just can’t stop crying. I feel ugly and not good enough. I feel desperate and pathetic. I feel broken. Still. I’m sure you’re all sick of reading about it by now.

5 thoughts on “I’m not the killing type

  1. i’m sorry you’re struggling so much. i know what it’s like to get your heart broken, and it’s miserable. I hope you start feeling better soon. Sometimes you just need to cry and get all your frustration out.

  2. This is your blog. Say whatever helps you feel better. If people don’t like it, they simply won’t read it. However, you should know that what you have to say is important and there are people who have been in your position before. It’s tough, heart break is, but it’s gonna get better. It took me 5-6 months to start thinking positive. The first couple or so months are the hardest, but it gradually starts getting better if you’re committed to getting better.

  3. I went through a similar situation to you, although the other person in my case did not give me the chance to remain friends and just completely cut me off, making things very very difficult. So, I know how futile my words will be, but I have to say it because of where I ended up. I couldn’t let go of her, and my life spiraled out of control, horribly. Everything I was doing, I did in the hopes of proving myself to her eventually and having her take me back, but the lack of reward for my efforts very nearly pushed me over the edge. You have to let go. You must, I fear, for your own sake and mental health. Judging from what you said in this post particularly, I don’t think being his friend would be healthy for you either. Sorry if I’ve offended you in anyway, but stay strong, thing do get better if you let them, but you have to let them, and you have to see them, without the distractions of the past. Be well, and know that others suffer right along with you.

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