But I would kill to make him feel. I’d kill to move his face an inch.
I sprinted into the bathroom after I was dressed to make sure my phone didn’t fall into the tub I was just soaking in. I almost made it through the bath in peace but then started thinking about how I’m going to phrase myself in day hospital tomorrow when I have to introduce myself and why I’m there with the rest of the messed up people. People are always supportive of divorce but I’m not divorced. I’m just in mourning that the love of my life just wants to be friends and even said to me “you don’t think there will be other women after kara?”
Just one month ago everything was just fine and now about 3 weeks later I’m destroying my last semester and desperately clinging on to sanity. It really dosent get better the first month at least. We’re supposed to have a goal for getting through the program and mine is to be able to function again.
They’re going to ask me if I WANT to be friends with him and the answer is yes…but with or without him I feel destroyed so how can I legitimately be friends with him when he’s with other women? He might settle for the next one for all I know and how can I be friends with the love of my life when he’s married? Never meet his wife? Ask him never to talk about her? Unrealistic. She’ll tell him to drop me and he will and I’ll be defeated for the last time. That’s how I see our pathetic future panning out.
I’m not even myself with him right now. And now I’m committed to this program I won’t have the chance to sleep all day but I do need to figure out how to face life again and that’s why I’m doing this. I just can’t stop crying. I feel ugly and not good enough. I feel desperate and pathetic. I feel broken. Still. I’m sure you’re all sick of reading about it by now.