Your Prescription is Ready

I’d like to say I’m not deteriorating or I’m slowly deteriorating, but like a fast acting drug it’s a rapid deterioration.

I feel like there’s something dead inside of me, like my heart is a carcass of some spirit animal that couldn’t take it anymore.

I’m lost. I can’t focus enough to do my first homework assignment. I wish I could just sleep all day every day for the rest of my life to be quite honest. I used to be able to persevere, but I feel like this cats 9th life has just been used up. Now I’m just a bitter old woman no one will want to be around.

On the bright side my doctor is calling me in a perception for xanax. Only 10 pills but maybe they’ll help keep me from spazzing which I’ve been doing on a nightly basis since the apocalypse.

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4 thoughts on “Your Prescription is Ready

  1. I wanted to comment on something you shared in “The Politics of Blogging.” You said that you wished that he would think that you had self-destructed, perhaps to awaken some protective urge on his part. But, I speak from hard-won experience (both mine and others I’ve known), that knowing he’s the cause of your suffering will probably give one of two types of results (or both). Either he will feel guilty, and most people avoid situations and people that make us feel guilty. Or, knowing he has such power over you will only serve to bolster his selfish ego (i.e. “Look how important I am! How devastated someone is to lose ME, the great and powerful!” Neither response is your desired result, I assume. In my own case, when I went on a quest to live the life of my dreams without him, it caught his attention. He became interested again, like a puppy dog. But, what I am suggesting requires more than a few days or weeks to accomplish. You have to be prepared for the long haul. Temporary changes most often don’t last. I took care of me, because no one else was going to, and I, too, had a young child depending on me. Dying was not an option. But living in perpetual mourning was not the life I had envisioned for myself. So, I set about going after some of my old dreams for my life. And, I added some new ones. And, I began enjoying my life. Healthy relationships consist of two healthy individuals come together in mutual admiration and respect for one another, not one person clinging desperately to the other out of fear. To lose my fear, I imagined myself getting through worst-case scenarios. That strategy had always worked as I was growing up, to get myself to accomplish things I was afraid of. I hope this helps. I look forward to your future posts. And, I’d suggest NOT sharing your blog with him. Don’t let him inside, where you know he wreaks havoc without compunction. Be a mystery, an “off-limits” place that he can no longer go, to selfishly and thoughtlessly suck the life out of you. Just saying.

    • You have some GREAT insight and I completely understand why you said everything you did. I appreciate it SO much. I’ll stop putting my blog on tumblr so he can’t see it and I’ve recently been doing the worst case scenario thing too. This group has made the last 2 and a half weeks SO much better. I’m also starting to legitimately take care of myself again too.

      • I would like to see you say, “I HAVE stopped putting my blog on Tumblr,” rather than “I WILL… .” Also, accept “reasonable” progress, as you move forward in your new life. Don’t let litte “Oops!-es” throw you into a tailspin. Take one day at a time. (And a “bad” day can be “restarted” at any time!) I’m very much looking forward to your future posts!

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