Dead Broke

Well he’s done with his flame with Kara at least. That’s the good part. The bad part is I’m still old news. We have ‘a history’ and a dynamic that won’t change. And every time I end up getting burned at the stake. I don’t know what to do. From this experience he’s decided he’s not ready for a relationship, and he wants to be friends. That’d be just fine except for the fact that I love him, and I wish he’d have an open mind to both of us being together when he IS ready for a relationship. Instead of this ‘we have a history, we’re established’ shit.

I don’t even know what to say. And I’m double stressed with all the things going on around me. I have so much going for me yet the one thing I want the most is out of my reach and I can’t even cut my arm off to get closer to it. I don’t know WHAT to do. I can continue to be a genuine, sweet, caring, funny, charming person and nothing seems like it’ll ever change and that hurts so bad. Everyone thinks it’s fucked up to love somebody for almost a decade unwaveringly. It’d be romantic if it wasn’t so pathetic right?

Oh God it feels like my skin is turned inside out and my heart is being stung by bees and my mind is drying and shriveling. I don’t mind though as long as I have hope. Hope and faith have been my guides my whole life and I’ve never stopped gripping either of them like my life depended on it.

So there I’m left with a tough break, kid. Like always.

Thanks for all your support, I’ll get back to some comments you guys left in due time. Right now I can’t think straight.


8 thoughts on “Dead Broke

  1. It’s not fucked up to love someone for almost a decade because that means you have a lot of powerful feeling. How you feel is just how you feel, and there’s nothing wrong with that. However, because you’re still in love with a dude for a decade…you can’t help but question the reason for its length. The question is why hold back from being at your full potential? What’s stopping you? You must be in a lot of pain, and it saddens me to know that a person has been suffering with loss for a decade. I hope things change for you, though.

    • Thank you very much. Nothing’s holding me back as it’s more of a choice in the end and I can be judged hard for that but my heart has always run rampant like this, I’ve seen other men when we’ve been split before, and in the end he’s the only one I’ve ever wanted. So, I guess I’m stupid in some regards, but following my heart is a lot easier than budding against it.

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