Anger Carousel

I am not having a good day. I guess it’s a tad better with him saying that he’s pretty sure that his “kind of a thing” won’t turn into anything. I just want everything to go back to the way it was 1-2 weeks ago. That’s all. Without all this other girl bullshit. Today the thoughts were fucking horrible. All about how he’s getting to that age where he might want to settle down and start a family and SHE is out for a husband no doubt. I also thought about any intimate details one could imagine between the two of them, I thought about how I’m lesser to this girl and how it’s not fair. Maybe if I out-pray her things will work in my favor. I’m already asking my friends to send some prayers my way for help, St. Jude is getting an earful tonight. Chris said I shouldn’t pray so selfishly but what do you think SHE’S doing? Maybe I’m not the better person afterall but fuck, God’s not going to do anything anyways for me but feel bad for me and maybe help me have a good day here and there.

I went to the doctor at 3. I laid in bed and tried not to think for several hours after I fed and took out the dogs then I drove to the hospital, got scripts for medication and am starting Strattera for ADHD. Now, I normally follow doctors orders but I think I may take 2 pills the first day instead of one and then go to one every day for the rest of the week and 2 every day after that like I’m supposed to. I just want to get a little high and see how it all works even though it’s NOT an amphetimene which means there’s less of a chance I’ll get manic off of it. It’s like a staple ADHD drug for bipolar people for that reason exactly.

After the doctor I went to Lisa’s and saw the kids. We went out to eat to my dismay, I’m trying to save my money. They both wanted to sit next to me so I was squished inbetween two little kids with no room for my arms because our booth was small and we were all wearing coats and I had a purse and it was a mess but it was decent food, the only thing I ate all day.

Brittany said she was going to take care of me tomorrow after my first drink which I plan on buying myself. She’s very generous and especially in the place I am financially right now I appreciate that even more than I normally would. Apparently all the campus’ are closed tomorrow so I won’t have school and can meet her as planned at 1 so we can take the train down to the bar and meet up Ofelia and RosaLinda. I don’t drink much anymore but I’m hoping to get slammed but not enough to throw up. It’s going to be Margaritaville. Going out every day has helped ease some of the pain but the long car ride to Lisa’s was the worst part of the day, the way back too for that matter. Driving is what psychologists call an ‘automatic process’ which is something you do without thinking too much about it, and since I drive automatically (like on auto pilot especially when I know where I’m going) I had plenty of time to dive into the downward spiral of negative thoughts.

I wish he would turn to ME for support like he used to. He’s more than welcome to turn to God too, but don’t feel lost and not even try to turn to me to explain how you feel. Who are you that you can’t do that anymore? I feel so useless on top of everything else with him. And he thinks that he’s the center of all my problems and I can’t function without him or a relationship which is the furthest thing from the truth. It’s just like living with a disease. You go about accomplishing everything you want to in your life but you’re weighed down by pain and discomfort so heavily that you can’t help but cry in your down time. I KNOW I’ve LIVED with a life altering disease for over a year, I had a PICC line in my arm, I ate drank and slept medicine. I still do, but for brand new problems.

It’s quiet in the house. And cold. I’m drinking water now. I can already feel the pounds melting off of me without the appitite. I feel like screaming but I’m too emotionally drained to do something like that. I feel uncomfortable in my skin and I don’t know what to do. Where’s the manual for this? Why can’t I just go through rage without coming off as a bad person? Why can’t he just accept I’m UPSET right now so I’m saying things an UPSET person would say (like selfishly praying nothing turns out between them)?

And WHY does is it have to start snowing again?

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One thought on “Anger Carousel

  1. *hugs*
    I’ve read a bit of what you’ve been going through with your friend, and my heart goes out to you. I’ve been there, and I know how much it hurts. “Hurt” doesn’t even begin to describe it. With everything else you have to contend with… Well, just know there’s someone out there thinking of you, and wishing you all the best. Keep venting here. *hugs*

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