The first thing I did after the apocalypse was grab the last of Suzanne’s ‘Pinky’ vodka from the pantry and take a shot and it did in fact taste like acid. So after that I decided I’d rather not vomit all over the place drinking tonight though I did want to get pretty messed up. I had prior plans I went through with to go hookah with my best friend and our other friend Lori. Both of them had a better time with it than I did. I got more of a headache than lightheaded feeling but did mellow out a bit while I was there. Then we stopped for food though I was not hungry. Deep heart wrenching depression is a great appitite suppressant but it was kind of Lori to buy us all food so I ate in hopes that it would help ease the headache. After that was karaoke. Our friend Jin dropped in when we had about 40 minutes left to go and every song I sang was of some lyrical value. I was having fun, feeling cathartic up until the last songs that were in korean but just sounded so sad and then Lucy had to go ahead and translate that they were about ‘when you come back I’ll be here with open arms’ and things like that and I waved my hand at her to stop her from telling me anymore because I was starting to break open a little bit. I spent the first moments after the apocalypse crying and ruining my makeup entirely. I re did it and got a bunch of compliments which made me feel nice at the time. I would have gone to ignite tonight had we been home earlier.
I was in a half daze in the back of Lori’s car on our way home from karaoke. Not in shock or anything because plainly I’ve been in this situation before and I know how bad it hurts, this time I didn’t think of OD-ing on dangerous medications I just decided to take it like a man and fall with the blow. I hope it dosen’t last, the apocalypse, but you never know and that really blows. I even put up a status message about being single on facebook which is a huge admittance for me and thankfully my friends have been kind enough not to ask any details but support my follow up comment that I’m too good for pretty much everyone and so therefore finding someone isn’t a simple challenge. Especially since nobody’s going to be him. So even talking to Lucy about casual dating I know at the end of the day nobody’s going to have his laugh or his sense of humor or make me feel the same when they sit next to me at the table of the restaraunt when we get breakfast after our hotel night we were supposed to have the first night he came back.
I’ve had so many problems with being alive lately that this one really takes the cake. I can’t say I wish I was never born because I haven’t had the hardest life but it’s been a difficult run and I’m just glad I have a little less than a week left here at Suzanne’s to dogsit quietly and cry if I need to and mourn before I go home and people ask me why I’m bawling my eyes out and I snap at them at the top of my lungs and tell them to leave me alone until finally I let my mommy rub my back and tell me it’s okay not knowing what’s bothering me but knowing her little girl is hurting.
I hate pain, I’d rather have a headache than a heartache though and right now I have both. I’m sobbing like a baby and nobody’s coming to my rescue tonight. I feel so bad for Ray on Girls. Shoshana that stupid whore just left him and she wasn’t even good enough for him, and just as he got his shit together too. Then he goes and ends up getting punched in the face by some other douche over something stupid complicating his already shitty life. That’s the punch line so to speak, we all get punched in the nose complicating our already messy lives at the worst possible times.
I love my friends but I miss my BEST friend and I always will with all my stupid heart because that’s how it’s always been. At least now I’ll lose the last of my weight thanks to this fucking depression and can cry with my patients one day when I hear their stories about having their insides turned outward and will be able to help them through it day by day but not be able to tell them it gets any easier. I have really. bad. luck. with life.
I really hoped for something better. I didn’t want to leave the car I just wanted to cry and listen to music and fall asleep in the high of 19 it reached today. Instead I’ll go upstairs and sob myself to sleep and hope to sob less tomorrow. I’ve seen better days but I’ve seen worse ones too.