Sleep: The Archenemy of the Tired Mind

It’s 4:41am. I slept from about 6 yesterday morning until 5pm last night. Now I’m up again desperate to fall asleep. I want to get adhd tested before I see my doctor again but if this keeps up I may need to see her ASAP. School starts tomorrow. I’m beating up on myself for taking so long to get my bachelor’s when all my Facebook friends are finishing their master’s. It hurts. It hurts to struggle with losing my depicote wrought too.

And tonight I’m bitter that bipolar has stolen my youth. What I’d give to be 16 again. And oh how is so it differently. If I could only talk myself through the process of growing up and warn myself of what was to come that would have been great. Instead I’m still fearing the future and jacking up the present wishing an older me could coach me through it and tell me all the answers. I’d even be satisfied to know whether my car is going to run in advance so I can plan accordingly…

I’m weepy lately, including right now. I’m really scared of this semester and what I need to accomplish to graduate. I need to face so many fears to meet my end goals. I’m also growingly lonely and who knows if my 5 year emotionally involved very complicated relationship is ever going to go anywhere.

I need a little help here from somewhere in the universe. I’m struggling doing this alone like you wouldn’t begin to imagine.

9 thoughts on “Sleep: The Archenemy of the Tired Mind

  1. BPAD is difficult. Very, very difficult but you don’t have to do it alone. God loves you and why not try reading from the Bible from time to time. Read a psalm or two. You’ll feel his presence I’m sure. God bless you

  2. I’m with Nitinlalit on this one: in particular, read Psalm 90: it’s one of my favourites. I was crumbling inside and just really dying several months ago and I knew that I was SO dark at the moment, only calming passages (Bible) would soothe my soul: it worked. Somebody told me once, that we all have a “tiny person” inside of us, like a baby. We have to feed it or it will die! it needs love, truth, and light to eat. So, again, no matter how strong the battle is against it (and it will be sometimes, guaranteed)- read Psalms (and Matthew too) at LEAST several times per week. I can’t tell you how much it helps me feel make it through- trust me on this one. We have a lot in common. xo

  3. p.s. School just started for me too. Drop me a line any time you want to, ok? I’m usually pretty good about getting back to people quickly: unless of course, my phone, cable, internet, water, and car all go down at the same time- which is what I just went through this past month.

    But I’m still here and stronger for it. ;0)
    WTG on staying in school! Don’t compare yourself to your “Master’s degree FB pals”- you’re setting yourself up for failure doing that. Compare yourself to a person who is strung out on drugs and in the gutter, or who has given up on life altogether and doesn’t care any more, or compare yourself to a total loser who has no heart and cannot love. You’re in so much pain because you’re still fighting- you still CARE. That’s not a bad thing- give yourself some credit. You’re in college, for crying out loud- look what you’ve been through, and you’re in college!

    Cut yourself some slack. Give yourself a hug. Smile- be alright with yourself. ;0)
    And hey, stop looking BACK. It can devour you- don’t even go near that door.

    Look out into the world, and know you’ve got every right to be here. It’s ok to be angry, just not at yourself. Choose love.xo

  4. I am 62 and have a misspent youth suffering from being undiagnosed and unmediated. One thing I would tell my younger self if I could go back in time is to “BE where you are.” My self-conscious mind kept me feeling separated from people and opportunities around me. But, I think the suffering from neglecting to “dare” is worse than the imagined or anticipated embarrassments and disappointments of actually living my life to the fullest. But, I have forgiven myself, and live each day as a fresh slate, where I can now be the author of a life well-lived.

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