It’s 4:41am. I slept from about 6 yesterday morning until 5pm last night. Now I’m up again desperate to fall asleep. I want to get adhd tested before I see my doctor again but if this keeps up I may need to see her ASAP. School starts tomorrow. I’m beating up on myself for taking so long to get my bachelor’s when all my Facebook friends are finishing their master’s. It hurts. It hurts to struggle with losing my depicote wrought too.
And tonight I’m bitter that bipolar has stolen my youth. What I’d give to be 16 again. And oh how is so it differently. If I could only talk myself through the process of growing up and warn myself of what was to come that would have been great. Instead I’m still fearing the future and jacking up the present wishing an older me could coach me through it and tell me all the answers. I’d even be satisfied to know whether my car is going to run in advance so I can plan accordingly…
I’m weepy lately, including right now. I’m really scared of this semester and what I need to accomplish to graduate. I need to face so many fears to meet my end goals. I’m also growingly lonely and who knows if my 5 year emotionally involved very complicated relationship is ever going to go anywhere.
I need a little help here from somewhere in the universe. I’m struggling doing this alone like you wouldn’t begin to imagine.