Friend Invantory

Normally I try to leave out the little details about whose who and what’s what in my life because it’s BORING to you if you’re not familiarized with it, but I just can’t help but need to vent to something other than my paper journal today. Forgive me?

Lucy and Chris are my best friends, though lately neither has been there for me. I’ve been needing support lately in this depressive swoop. My insurance runs out shortly so I can’t even really see my doctor and have her adjust my medication just yet. Lucy is busy with Jenny, her other best friend, or more like her only best friend these days, Jenny’s back full force in her life now that she’s single and it makes me sick to see all their lovey dovey best friend posts on facebook. Meanwhile, Chris is in Washington sending more snapchat’s then texts. It’s hard to open up to Nikki because she’s such a quiet person and Lisa I feel is more family than best friend though we’re very close and I love her children. Angela is dealing with her own very messy life and the rest of my friends I care about, but feel highly disconnected from. At least lately, I feel disconnected from the world. That’s why I’ve been drowning myself in video games, to distract myself from reality, but it sinks in mornings like this when I’ve gotten very little sleep and it’s so close to a holiday.

There’s no holiday I get more emotional about than Christmas. It’s very special to me, and I spent hours putting up decorations to celebrate. It’s going to break my heart like it does every year to take them all down. The time just flies by too quickly and I feel like I don’t spend enough time in front of the Christmas tree admiring it. Every Christmas Eve it’s a tradition for me to write a note to Santa with milk and cookies out thanking him for my parents and all they do for me. I go back to school on January 7th, only three classes, but I’m nervous to talk to my adviser about my Capstone which I also need to complete. I feel like he won’t recognize/remember me. It may be an imaginary fear but it’s one that’s going to eat away at me until I face it. I’ve started journaling in the notebook entitled “IT’S GONNA BE OKAY” Lisa got me from modcloth. I got scared I wouldn’t WordPress as much with it, but more it’s for stream of thought thinking in all the in-between time. I need to go through all the blogs I follow and catch up with everyone, I feel like it’s a weight on my shoulders every time I log into WordPress now. God I’ve got a lot of issues at the moment. I’m even anxious about going to see my friend Suzanne who I dogsit for when she just wants to give me a gift. Geez. Somebody slap me.

5 thoughts on “Friend Invantory

  1. I understand your fears well, BB. I remember my days of agoraphobia- very intense levels of it- anxiety, etc. I know that school is a major stressor. You should be commended for working through your school work while juggling these obstacles. Not an easy thing to do. Did you do alright in your last semester? Finals?

    I hope you’re able to get some down time! for me, these start-and-finish semester transitions can be really emotional. Even after everything is semi-continuously even keel for me (apart from external stressful situation I can’t control), those semester starts and finishes can be a doozy! I feel you. But good for you for hanging in there. That’s awesome. ;0)

    • I finished my finals too.. can’t wait to see my official grades…quite frankly nervous because of how crazy the roller coaster has been this semester. I truly mean it when i say.. i no longer recognize myself in the mirror. Well if u ever want to talk i be willing to talk.

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