Slowly Creeping

This ache is slowly creeping around my body. I’m not sure what it’s attributed to, but it’s annoying. Probably a lingering Lyme ache.

I had a GREAT lunch with my friend Amy today. Conversation just flowed and so my anxiety about having to make conversation went fluttering away. One very empowering thing about our conversation was about how society puts too much focus on women’s looks and disregards the caliber of a person someone actually is. And if someone doesn’t respect you or think you’re wonderful for who you are then they’re not worth it, in a nutshell. It actually came back to haunt me later (in a good way) where I was still on my high from lunch this evening and ran into someone I haven’t talked to for ages online. I ended up telling them a little about my year and my bipolar and they stopped responding. Now they could have stopped responding for a variety of reasons, it WAS just a facebook chat, but it’s rude and automatically I go to the thoughts

“Is it me? It must be me. I did something wrong. I said too much. What I said was ‘too heavy’. I shouldn’t have talked about something so personal. Now everyone they know is going to know about my bipolar. I’m so ashamed.”

Then I confronted those thoughts,

“This is stupid. If that person wants to shit on me let them go for it. They’re not worth it if they do or they judge me. I am one of the least judgmental people I know, and even Amy said I’m one of the most giving, two amazing traits right there. Stop thinking poorly about yourself.”

“Well what if Chris thought I did the wrong thing?”

“Well then that’s his opinion and maybe I think I did the wrong thing too on some level, but what can I do now? I was just making conversation, and it’s my body and my life and I’m entitled to make mistakes too, so now I’ve learned from my situation and I can move on with my life, and just not care who judges me and who doesn’t, and Chris shouldn’t care because it’s none of his business anyways.”

“Yes but you two are both very involved in one another’s lives you know, he’s probably judging you.”

“Didn’t we go through this about the judging?”

“I know but he’s like one of the MOST important people in your life, what if HE’s doing the judging?”

“Then you need to tell him if he has something to say about it to let it go, because I have to too, and I’m too naieve sometimes to think just opening up and talking to people about whatever comes up is a good thing. He’ll understand we all make mistakes and I’m not perfect. He may not even care, just like so and so might not even care about what we were talking about because it was so mundane.”

“I guess you’re right. So let’s forget about it.”

“Yeah, let’s let go.”

5 thoughts on “Slowly Creeping

  1. It’s great that you took a negative here and turned it into positive thinking. Though I believe you did nothing wrong, if someone has cancer that has affected their year, are they too ashamed to tell people? No. Bipolar is an illness, and if he can’t understand that he isn’t worth your time and needs to do some reading!!

      • Fuck stigma. The only way to get rid of it is to raise awareness. And I feel letting people know that there are a lot of people who suffer from and can be incapacitated by mental illness is one way to do that. There’s nothing wrong with getting your story out there. It’s yours to tell, after all! 🙂

  2. I think almost all of my “conversations” on facebook chat end up with someone not responding, so don’t feel that it means anything. I might be waiting for the other person to respond and then get caught up in some chore or something and blow them off for an hour. The I respond back, then they don’t get back to me till the next day, etc. Facebook chat sucks.

  3. Never worry about anything until it actually becomes a real issue. The only thing you can control, with assurance, is yourself. Not everyone needs to know every little thing. If a person really wants to know how you are, they should be able to pick up a phone or see you in person.

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