The texts I sent out must have been like owls holding letters for 11 year olds who have no idea what Hogwarts is, shocking and maybe a little bit scary. I know I’m shocked and a little bit scared myself that I sent them out. I just don’t want to be reaching out to people for the wrong reasons, like, I’m feeling neglected by my close friends and therefore need to reach out to people who used to give me attention so I could go through that honeymoon-magical phase of reconnecting just to then be like ulch, why did I do this?  These texts were to old friends I haven’t spoken a word to for over a year. I’ve even considered re-entering the community that I made so much effort to separate myself from because too much drama was connected to it, maybe a little over a year later I could start anew? My only problem is the self-consciousness about having gained all this Deptakote weight and the shame in not having dropped it yet. I just want to be able to get out of the house, go to that gaming cafe and sit in a corner, maybe chat with some friends that work there, and veg.

There’s a little excitement in that santa bag of emotions of being able to be a new person and re-immerse myself with some decent people later on and have a good time, but I also feel like maybe I’m the only one whose taken a change to themselves and in turn everyone will still be the same kind of dicky, egotistical prick that I put up with but don’t love. I mean I can GUARANTEE you I’m the only one who went through a manic episode that ended herself in the hospital, months of intensive outpatient therapy and a major lifestyle change. I don’t even have the confidence I used to have back then. Though my confidence could have been sheer mania during the period of life I experienced with those people. I wasn’t as in touch with my episodes then either as I am now. Part of me is clammed up with water rushing through me and the other part wants to stick my clam tongue out to show off the pearl (the new me) not just to these people but to ALL my friends. I think I’m just going through a hard time, and whatever happens is great as long as I do it in a positive way without hurting myself.

I want to start picking up Sailor Moon. I’ve only been on winter break for officially two days now, I want to groom, I want to color my hair and I want to feel pretty next in the order of things. I want to enjoy playing World of Warcraft and make new connections with people online in my new guild though nothing could touch the incredible love my old guild showed for each other and that will always make me sad. But you never know right? I want to get my resume in to the nursing home this week too. I can’t wait for the Christmas Party I’m going to on Friday. Man I’m all over the place!


One thought on “Transformations

  1. well i can relate to this. wanting to connect with friends, but at the same time not really wanting to. it’s hard to reconnect with friends after you’ve experienced something so difficult and life changing.

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