I thought sleep could solve all my problems

I usually attribute sleep to escapism, but today I took a nap while my head was pulsating, and now I’m awake, anxious, and angry. It’s official that I’m having a mixed episode. The doctor wants to see me back in three weeks and has upped my Abilify by 10mg. I’m waiting for an e-mail back from school administration. It’s like I went swimming in a pool while I waited for the lifeguard to bring back my message, and the chemicals gave me a rash all over melding my feet into fins. The anxiety is this rash because I can’t do anything until I get the OK from the University, then I can make my next move. Until then I’m stuck in this already strained body.

Then I hear from my friend that one of the managers that barely has anything to do with me and my 2 shifts a week job, complained I “take too much time off”. She even explained to him that boss has been telling me to take time off when it’s slow so he doesn’t have to pay me, and now that manager is going to talk to him about making sure I work. I’m happy to be making money when I work, but it just pisses me off how he said it and what he infers, so any ‘excuses’ for not working won’t be had. Like I’m some kind of cancer you get from drinking the water by a factory that’s not up to standard. I hate him more every week. His attitude just wouldn’t fly with a regular HR department, but it’s a small business so I have to put up with the bullshit as it dumps on me. I applied again to MisericordiaΒ (link provided) which is where I want to work BEFORE and after I get my degree, working my way up from an aid to a case worker. If they hire me I’ll have no qualms about reducing my hours or quitting entirely which would be fantastic. I’d be working the graveyard shift at Misericordia, but I think I can deal with that.

I can’t wait until next week when I dog-sit so I can have my few days of vacation time, say goodbye to Chris before he leaves for the winter, and immerse myself in television dramas and drink a lot of yuppie brand lemonade. The people I’m dogsitting for over Thanksgiving officially have accepted me too or they wouldn’t have given me the key to their home. It’s such a nice place and they’re such nice people that I hope all goes smoothly and I can be their regular dogsitter. I’m sure next time around I’d be far less shy and awkward speaking with them. They said the dog likes me and she can be choosy so I should feel honored. I’ve heard that a handful of times over the decade I’ve been dogsitting and it never gets old.

13 thoughts on “I thought sleep could solve all my problems

  1. I can so relate! I am in a mixed episode right now and I feel like ever which way I turn I am irritated to the extreme, angry, anxious, so sad, etc. And even when I try to sleep I wake up 4 times a night and I am just more irritated and I just want to cry. my mind is flighty and I just want to escape my surroundings. And I had a horrible dream which I will post on my blog tonight anywho! I am signing into IOP and firing my psychiatric nurse practitioner. And I just found out lithium is an anti-depressant that can cause mania! Anywho back to what I was trying to say, I emailed my teacher to ask if I could come to another class of hers because I am wanting to do IOP and so far I could only find day time (I found an evening one yay!). I felt like she has given me an attitude. and she doesn’t fully understand my Bipolar. But who doesn’t, I feel like I suffer more alone than in the public eye.

    Wish you the best.. I kinda just went all rambling on ya, but your post just spoke to me so clearly for some reason.

    • Lithium can cause mania???? I thought it was supposed to control it? People who don’t understand bipolar are hard to deal with. I’m about to try to explain it to the Dean of arts and sciences and that’s terrifying to me. Dosent the attitude just further irritate you? It does me. Wish you the best too. You saying what you did about my blog speaking to you made my day and night btw.

      • Happy i help make your day a little better. Your posts have. I been trying to post stuff on my blog but my focus really is out the window. Yea i didn’t know lithium could cause mania until i got this bipolar workbook and it spoke of some drugs that could trigger mania… and the book said Lithium, ECT and some anti-convulsion meds cause cause mania. My nurse practioner has only been practicing for 2 years so might be why she didn”t know, but other doctors might know and that’s why they take people off meds when they notice they are having a bad reaction to it. MY therapist didn’t even know this. People seem to love seroquel and they say really helps with their anxiety so.. which ever new psych doctor i am given maybe i could ask for seroquel.

        And i understand about teachers. They still have that idea of “mind over matter” which really with disorders it’s matter over mind… u just have to learn how to deal with the matter and not push it further to where u can no longer control it.

        But if i ever becomes in some lead position (boss position) i will hopefully be a more understanding person.

        Also there are people that tries to convince people god and a good diet will take away bipolar. That just runs me up the wall because treatment is very unique to each person. The lithium majorly shows that about me… that treatment isn’t a cookie cut.

        So follow your heart and do what has to be done for u personally to get better. So wish you the best for the meeting with the dean

      • I knew someone on seraquil which she took before bed and it helped her sleep too. I haven’t met the Dean yet but I will. Thank you for the well wishes. I’m struggling lately.

    • Hi Jupitor,

      I wonder if you could tell me what book you read this in? The reason why I ask is that Lithium and anti-convulsants are generally used to TREAT mania. What you may have read was a list of atypical reactions. For instance one time when I went off of an antidepressant medication it actually caused me to become manic, something that doctors swear can’t happen. Later on I was reading an obscure research paper on the internet which mentioned that in fact it can happen in rare cases.

      From what I understand Lithium and most anti-convulsants work best to lower mania. The exception is Lamictal, which works better for those who are mostly on the depressive side (like me).

      The best thing you can do is monitor your symptoms and trust your own observations as to the effectiveness of your meds and communicate that to your doctor. Another idea is to ask the doctor to start you out on a small dose to minimize potential side effects and then tritrate the dose upwards if necessary.

      Another good idea is to do some research on your meds that you currently take and also some general research on the types of meds used for your condition. Try WebMD. They also have a bipolar forum with a real psychiatrist to answer anyone’s questions. I found that very helpful when I had an interaction between a prescription and an over-the-counter medication.

      Good luck!

      • I read the info from a “bipolar workbook”.[don’t have the book right now.] They stated that it could affect someone’s mood in a way that it shouldn’t. And that might be because u are dealing with the side affects. I spoke to my new doctor about it. And he said that “It hardly ever happens where a mood stabilizer just makes you worse. Each person reacts to meds differently and it wasn’t the right med for you.” The old NP slowly increased it.. took 2 months for me to hit 1200mg. After a while i fired her because she didn’t listen to my concerns when i told her my anxiety was getting worse… and my moods felt horrible. So now i have a new doctor… he listened to my concerns. I’ve met a few other people where lithium didn’t do much for them and they felt it worsened for them.

        Everybody is different and meds will interact with them differently.

        Hopefully my new med helps.

        (but it could have been many things that caused the med to not be right for me.. but it made my anxiety worse.. and my moods just not what i would considered stable.)

      • And i probably read it wrong.. i wouldn’t be shocked if i did, but i joined 2 forums and asked about Lithium.. and a few people said that they felt worse on the lithium than off it.

  2. Hi there: Thank you for “liking” my post on “How discussion opens doors.” I also like your post on sleep as an escape. I use it for that all of the time! But there are some downsides, as you mention. Sometimes you go to sleep feeling one way and end up feeling worse or your dreams haunt you about your reality. It’s a tricky thing. But ultimately, I think sleep restores the mind, the body, and the soul. It gives us new purpose when we awake.

    Thank you for sharing your experiences. They educate me.
    Take care

  3. So many people in the workplace have no appreciation for what we are able to accomplish considering what we have to deal with. I’ve experienced having employers see me as a problem when really, I work hard when I’m there and have to take the odd sick day because of my mental health. When they don’t understand mental illlness, that’s a real challenge because in our minds we are working hard to be productive people despite the struggles that can hold us back. Often we are much stronger than others choose to see.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s