Half in the Bag

My emotions are half in the bag. I’ve been doing things WAY out of the ordinary which is both good (I think) and concerning (maybe mania). For instance, I visited Lisa at work and had dinner by myself. I managed to appreciate the fact that everyone at the bar was there by themselves having dinner or something like it BY THEMSELVES. That freaks me out in theory. And there I went and did it. She asked me if I could do her a favor and again as much as I would have done it regardless of my horrific anxiety, I went out confidently and looked at 2 stores to find a little girls Bears jersey for her daughter. Completely out of my element, and not myself tonight. Brittnay is coming up with all of these opportunities to hang out too and though I’m super glad she finds me a cool enough person to do all this stuff with her I’m utterly terrified, but going with the flow. Then there is the utter bone rattling fear that my friends I haven’t heard from for a little or don’t talk to on the daily aren’t interested in me anymore, or are upset with me about something or other. Then there’s the other side of that which is family, where I fear I’ll never reach out to them the way I want to. There’s the depressed end of my mixed episode.

I didn’t work at all this week. Either I was sick or boss asked me not to come in, but I didn’t come in at all and therefore made no money. Sunny owes me money for tutoring his kids, but that’ll barely help pay the bills for the month. As much as it’s in the back of my mind, it’s not eating away like acid through my stomach where my anxiety pitches its tent, and that’s another reason I’m worried. Manic symptoms include an irritable mood which I’ve been in for over a week (which has also been an elevated mood I’ve been in, it switches, I have mixed episodes to boot making it more complicated), Grandiose thinking (check), rapid talking (well I’m more talkative than usual), racing thoughts (number one concerning manic symptom I have right now) easily distracted (CHECK MATE, I couldn’t even focus in one of my classes so badly that I felt like the #1 worst student ever last friday), and risky behavior (which would do with my mismanaging of funds). So actually, I’m pretty sure I’m having a mild manic episode right now. Nothing dangerous has happened and nothing harmful, just a batch of highly toxic mental muffins being prepared. I might as well print this out and read it to my doctor tomorrow. Maybe we need to up my dose of Lamictal.

I’m REALLY looking forward to the doctor tomorrow. I wish my racing thoughts weren’t so problematic right now so I could work on Christmas cards and studying.

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