It is near impossible to pay attention in this class. It’s one of my anthropology (minor) electives. Yesterday was so great, though I felt like I was abandoning family time, though we don’t celebrate Halloween much anymore. I went to visit Lisa and her kids and we all Trick or Treated together, then ordered really good pizza and threw back a couple beers for the adults. When the kids were getting really tired I started to carry them between houses, they were so happy I was there with them, and Lisa re-innerated I’m welcome in the house anytime, she considers me family, and it felt great. The kids were a monster and unicorn, the baby was a skunk.
It’s hard for me for long periods of time to be around people, and when I visit Lisa and the kids I spend a lot of time with them. Tonight I’m off to a dinner with 12 or more friends and perhaps their kids who are all strangers to me. My very new friend Brittnay invited me along and though I’m excited, I’m also really terrified. I might bring a bottle of wine to contribute to the table and that should take care of some of the anxiety so I don’t need to pop 10mg of Valium. Chris said to me “don’t be scared, it’s easy to meet new people.”
I got a new haircut, and had it at the salon my stylist opened with her business partner. She was excited to see me and even gave me a hug before I left, it felt good. Like having Lisa call me family. You all should know by now how much I love my family and friends, and when I get some love back in return in one way or another, even an invitation to a dinner party, it’s so fulfilling.
Yet, regardless of all the positivity, I’ve been struggling on a borderline manic state. I see my doctor on the 4th so I’m holding out for her guidance and assistance. I’m struggling with myself and stuck in my head. I worry and ‘fortune tell’ about what other people are thinking or feeling about me, and fearful that ‘one wrong move’ could kill a relationship. Even vallum and mindfulness aren’t enough right now. Survival is likely here, especially with a doctor’s appointment so soon, but in the meantime my OCD impulses are relieving. Mostly, I’ve given up on normal notebooks, and writing on the daily calendar pages in my assignment book for schoolwork. It’s like having a hit of heroin to do it, sickly enough, but unlike heroin it’s not harmful to anyone including myself. I’ve also been cleaning a lot more, which isn’t bad, and the great relief that comes after is a high. Now if only I can figure out what’s askew about what should be a normal distribution of existence, I’ll be all set (for a while) and should be able to pick up my hobbies. This bipolar thing consistently changes.