Bipolar Distribution

It is near impossible to pay attention in this class. It’s one of my anthropology (minor) electives. Yesterday was so great, though I felt like I was abandoning family time, though we don’t celebrate Halloween much anymore. I went to visit Lisa and her kids and we all Trick or Treated together, then ordered really good pizza and threw back a couple beers for the adults. When the kids were getting really tired I started to carry them between houses, they were so happy I was there with them, and Lisa re-innerated I’m welcome in the house anytime, she considers me family, and it felt great. The kids were a monster and unicorn, the baby was a skunk.

It’s hard for me for long periods of time to be around people, and when I visit Lisa and the kids I spend a lot of time with them. Tonight I’m off to a dinner with 12 or more friends and perhaps their kids who are all strangers to me. My very new friend Brittnay invited me along and though I’m excited, I’m also really terrified. I might bring a bottle of wine to contribute to the table and that should take care of some of the anxiety so I don’t need to pop 10mg of Valium. Chris said to me “don’t be scared, it’s easy to meet new people.”

I got a new haircut, and had it at the salon my stylist opened with her business partner. She was excited to see me and even gave me a hug before I left, it felt good. Like having Lisa call me family. You all should know by now how much I love my family and friends, and when I get some love back in return in one way or another, even an invitation to a dinner party, it’s so fulfilling.

Yet, regardless of all the positivity, I’ve been struggling on a borderline manic state. I see my doctor on the 4th so I’m holding out for her guidance and assistance. I’m struggling with myself and stuck in my head. I worry and ‘fortune tell’ about what other people are thinking or feeling about me, and fearful that ‘one wrong move’ could kill a relationship. Even vallum and mindfulness aren’t enough right now. Survival is likely here, especially with a doctor’s appointment so soon, but in the meantime my OCD impulses are relieving. Mostly, I’ve given up on normal notebooks, and writing on the daily calendar pages in my assignment book for schoolwork. It’s like having a hit of heroin to do it, sickly enough, but unlike heroin it’s not harmful to anyone including myself. I’ve also been cleaning a lot more, which isn’t bad, and the great relief that comes after is a high. Now if only I can figure out what’s askew about what should be a normal distribution of existence, I’ll be all set (for a while) and should be able to pick up my hobbies. This bipolar thing consistently changes.

6 thoughts on “Bipolar Distribution

  1. I understand completely. Even after years of “doing better” and no doctors visits anymore, no medicine (at least not traditional medicine from a doctor, etc.- I do my own thing, which is controversial and no doctor would sanction it- but it works for me), and no therapists- I still battle a hideous social disorder. Online, it’s no problem. (Duh…) But in “real life”, I get overwhelmed by large crowds and even a small room full of people- the latter actually being worse sometimes. Friends come over, and still, I’ll bolt to the back room and watch them leave through my curtains- they know I’m a bit…odd…heheh. I’ve been that way my whole life. Given what I’ve lived through and all of the trauma, it’s likely to never change, at least that aspect of it. I’m no longer “manicy” and I rarely get that way, but boy do I understand. Also, on this:

    Chris said to me “don’t be scared, it’s easy to meet new people.”

    The interesting thing about people, and it never ceases to interest me, is that people will say (to people like us) “do this” or “don’t do that- it’s easy!” (etc.) But that’s “their perception and their reality”, you know? Yours is different!
    Unless they have our “types of brains”, they’ll never know what kind of a battle it is. They can only read about it and imagine. But, I do understand you- VERY well. If you ever want to drop me a line, feel free, ok? By the way, I have decided to change my major. I’m no longer going into Criminal Justice after I graduate- I’ve decided to get my BA in Creative writing- Poetry concentration- and write about mental illness, trauma, abuse, and all sorts of other things that freak people out…ha. But, that’s been “my reality”, and I encourage you to do the same thing! We’ve been given a terrific gift- a “third eye” if you will- not just anybody can write about that stuff because they don’t have the experience to back it up, but you can. I have a poem at my place, I’ve just started to write about being hospitalized and losing my mind years ago- (2 posts back?) but I do hope you’ll read it, if but to be inspired to do the same. :0)
    (It’s called: “We March Like Soldiers”.)

    Just took a 1/2 of a Klonopin so I feel you on the Valium. Hope you feel better soon. xo

    • It blows my mind you can function without meds. What non traditional things are you doing? I agree with you about the third eye. I lost my mind one year ago this month. I don’t think I’m quite ready to share that story though. I think you’re a great writer and I support your creative writing endeavors! You can drop me a line anytime too. You can even add me on fb. Is that creepy of me? I’ll pretend it’s not..

      • Actually, I wiped out my FB account 5 years ago and never looked back. It was toxic for me and I knew it was eating away my soul- all of the self-indulgences and people who seriously needed to get over themselves and their 25 status updates per day- UGH. I had been crying and asking God to “take the world out of me”- I wanted to be closer to Him. I didn’t want to be “taken out of the world” as it were, like so many people feel today, but just to have the world of “self” taken out of me (or, the world of selfishNESS.). I wanted to diminish and become reduced down to “gold”. Something of worth! Not Facebook and all of its self-loving, people-hopping, flatterers who really only ever left comments to get comments back. I just got so sick of it all.

        Anyway, one day, I felt God influencing me, whispering, “Get rid of Facebook.” (I was like, what?! I have over 400 ‘friends’ there! I’m important there! etc. etc.) But He had his reasons! I wiped it out, losing everything. I went into acute FB withdrawls…haha. My mind spun in circles, I scrambled to feel “ok” with who I was apart from hundreds of people puffing me up all of the time and telling me how “great” I was (blergh.). I had to go pretty deep down before I became alright with “just being”.

        And yeah, the “losing the mind” story is a hard one to share. People don’t understand at all, and they think that it’s a romanticized version of it, like Joan Crawford in a silk evening gown (perfect hair and makeup) with her hands to the sides of her head, screaming. No. It’s definitely not like that. Ha. It’s the darkest, ugliest, sickest, scariest place (Hell, really) I’ve ever known. We came back- some people don’t. I understand your hesitancy. Know that when you are ready to tell that, you’ll be helping others, but more importantly, it’ll help YOU. It breaks those chains of shame and secrecy. It did for me, anyway, and took the power away from “the monster” as I call it.

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