Here we go again. Third night in the row interrupted sleep. At least I could sleep for a couple hours. Laying in bed tossing and turning with aching body doesn’t count. An overtired body that lives with an alert mind. How excited I was in my dream that I was rich with this big house, and an entire different life, but then the anxiety why are all these girls so possessive of me, and how do they know me? What’s with the chick whose the most possessive of all and says we’re sisters or related in some tight way yet the only memories I have are of my ‘step family’ (she prefers me call them that than my ‘other family’ which upsets her every time)
“I just feel bad for you” I say to myself as my touch is hypersensitive. Maybe I need to detox. Too much medicine heavy on the liver. My mind is starting to knock out now, black outs but as soon as I put my head down in what SHOULD be a comfortable position Im’ screwed. Apparently I bit the side of my mouth while I was sleeping and I have that to deal with too. And a dry mouth. I had 2 glasses of orange juice, and now I should get some water but I can barely function. When I stand up it’s like I’ll fall down. You know I called the cops on those possessive girls who were getting CRAZY over me in my dream.
I need to stop extraneous spending. Lines of credit open destroyed my self control and I splurged yet again this past week when my symptoms of hypomania flared back up and I bought a bunch of MAC products and a 50 dollar dinner for my best friend. I can’t do that even if it’s on credit. But especially debit. I need enough in there for my phone bill in a week and a half to take out. I did make payments on my credit cards. Doing my best to keep my shit together even though I’m all over the place.
Need to meet my friend Angela’s friend Shelly. We’ll be the sisterhood of the traveling bipolar pants. My friend Geeg I need to keep in better contact with this week too. Last time I called her I was on a job. I need another job coming up. And speaking of jobs I’m not in the mood to be responsible tonight and tutor 3 people for 3 hours. I wish I had a bullshit excuse to call it off, but I get PAID tomorrow which makes it much more worthwhile. Maybe I can still re-schedule it for friday.
I’m wearing the birthstone of my best friend, and my other best friend has the same birth stone as me, and my other other best friend has an aquamarine birth stone I need a ring for the other finger and I’ll be feeling perfectly fancy. I wonder if Geeg shares a birthstone with anyone else. I’m running out of room for rings. Maybe tomorrow or the day after I’ll feel brave and check out a Nordstrom Rack. But then again, there goes spending right? My face is breaking out. My thoughts are like this in my journal but less organized. Did you know in APA style you put two spaces between each sentence? That’s so awesome. My favorite part.
One after the other. If I had the energy I’d finish cleaning again. I went on a binge clean a couple nights ago. More evidence of hypomania, these grandiose projects of mine. Clean entire home and bring heavy furniture downstairs while family is sleeping, take all photos in summer facebook album, save them on your phone, edit them with the new editing software adding frames and such and then put them all back and delete old album, going through nearly 100 artists from last.fm to spotify to see if I like any new music. My eyes are stinging.
This is my mind right now. Race race race. Race to the nonexistent finish line.