This is officially the first of my bipolar blog entries, and it’s in the middle of a rough patch, so here goes.
I’ve decided the format for my bipolar posts will be to refer them to informative entries. For example, this one has a link to #IntensiveBipolarEducation which I’m going to put up right before this one.
I’ve gained about 70lbs on the most current mood stabilizer that I’ve been on, and the number one thing I want to talk to the doctor about is adjusting the drugs. I haven’t been able to see the doctor in 3 months. Thanks to insurance and her fucking idiotic receptionist that is. Today is going to be a struggle to slice through all the nasty sinew of phone calls and e-mails and contact who needs contacting so I can get things straight. Not that this is going to be my first attempt at all this bullshit.
Right now, I’m struggling. I think my liver might be overworked (toxic) and here are reasons I can tell:
1. When sad music comes on TV shows, movies or commercials I get really sad/borderline weepy.
2. I don’t sleep properly. Lately I am sleeping all day and up a couple hours at night, then going back to sleep.
3. I have 2 tests tomorrow, I haven’t been able to study for either because I can’t concentrate. I still can’t concentrate. I’m even forgiving myself for not being able to concentrate right now. This post is taking forever, and still going to be a mess.
4. I’ve been working with administration at the damn university I go to in order to get the administrative withdrawals in place for classes SEMESTERS AGO that I had needed dropped. That includes pending refunds that won’t be processed until the paperwork goes into place.
Do you know how fucking hard it is to be ill the way I am and have to deal with some bullshit that’s not getting done? I can’t even talk directly to the Dean and every single month that passes I have to follow up on all this bullshit the more I just want to crawl under the earth and be frozen because I don’t want to deal with it.
It’s paralyzing. It’s fucking paralyzing. And ESPECIALLY now that I’m so fucking frustrated it’s the middle of the semester, this should have been dealt with LAST YEAR, and now I’m upset about tomorrow and the fear when tomorrow comes of dealing with all of it, and I’m trying very hard to be mindful but let me tell you I don’t know how to handle everything.
5. I get excited about the idea of something, like for instance, G-Dragon’s world tour, but then wonder “will he be coming to the U.S.?” I need to see! So then I look and see there’s nothing more than a handful of tour dates so far, and therefore I can’t plan anything or figure out if I can go, or scramble to pay for tickets, IF I can afford them, etc. I get overworked over stupid little things.
I’m escaping into fantasy land rather than being mindful of my surroundings, but either distraction is helpful.
It’s funny, now that I’ve raged and gotten the chance to express some of my inner demons I’m not satisfied nor do I think anyone cares, even people who are struggling with mental illness on their own. I feel like isolating even from my own blog audience, which is nearly 0 to begin with.
A day in the life.